Cow falls through roof, kills sleeping man

In world news, tragedy struck in a very unexpected way in South America, a sleeping Brazilian man was struck and killed by a falling cow. Yes, a FALLING cow. Struck him. In his sleep. Killing him dead. This reporter is shaken by this turn of events where food goes on the offensive. Initial reports stated the cow may have botched a landing by coming in too low after jumping over the moon, further investigation revealed that the cow was a fugitive, having escaped from a nearby farm. The house of the sleeping man was backed against a hill, giving the cow access to the corrugated and asbestos roof. The 3,000-pound dairy delinquent was too much for the roof and it plummeted through, landing on the man who was sleeping in bed with his wife. The victim’s mother, Maria de Souza, said “I didn’t bring my son up to be killed by a falling cow. He nearly died when he was two and got meningitis, but I worked hard to buy medicines for him and he survived. And now he’s lying in his bed and gets crushed to death by a cow. There’s no justice in the world.” Our heart goes out to Senora de Souza who is clearly not of Hindu persuasion and probably won’t be converting any time soon. More information can be found by clicking here.

When pre-processed food becomes a killer it shakes the very bones of the food chain, causing cries throughout the land(s) for investigation. “How can this happen?” they cry. Whoever “they” are. Well faithful reader(s), your tireless reporter fired off a few carrier pigeons to Brazil to get some answers. Hopefully, with this information, we can put down this bovine rebellion before McDonalds has to remove the dollar menu. Brazilian tribal dignitary Pablo Pedro Jesus de Espana De Martinez el Bautista a la Mode responded that Brazil only has itself to blame for deaths like these. “The War on Pubic HairĀ© has strained all of Brazil’s resources. We can’t afford to build new fences, or repair old ones. Everyone spends their income in the beauty shops. No one wants to be ‘that person’ who gets caught sporting a pube. It’s a national obsession that is spanning the globe, although certain procedures can lead to saving a fortune on toilet paper.”

So there you have it. The real reason there is no way to have beauty and food at the same time. For the sake of the human race I hope we can balance these two powers before someone is attacked by really dangerous food. Like a squash or a corn plant. Or a legume, whatever that is. Stay strong reader(s) and get your food before it gets you.