Stories of Impending PNW Earthquake are Actually an Attack on TNRNB

 

found in a Google search

found in a Google search

By now you’ve all heard about the earthquake which will someday destroy the Pacific Northwest in a cataclysmic event known as “The Great Shake” (as opposed to the “Little Wiggle” I guess). However, further investigation into this “potential 9.0+ magnitude” tremblor reveals that things are not as they appear (like Donald Trump’s hair). In an undercover operation worthy of Hollywood, Chris the carrier pigeon exposed this “crisis” for what it really is. Yes, fearless reader(s)- or Jim from Nantucket- this dastardly diatribe of deadly devastation is nothing more than a sneaky attempt by this reporter’s wife to con him into cleaning out the garage. Hard to believe, isn’t it Jim?

This reporter’s wife has long complained that his prized possessions are overloading the shelves and could cause bodily harm to the unwary. While it cannot be disputed that this menagerie of man stuff is extensive, one may argue that the seventeen totes of Christmas decorations border on excessive as well. And we won’t even go into the closets full of knickknacks and “air freshening devices” that could turn to shrapnel and/or a toxic cloud of “freshly laundered linen” and “spring bouquet in the rain” (which, coincidently, translates to “dandelions in a downpour” around here). While the wife’s actions may seem to be out of desperation, the consequences may be far reaching. This reporter has gathered some snippets from the latest crop of presidential wannabes about their thoughts on this regional false alarm.

Donald Trump- “I prefer false alarms that haven’t been caught.”

Jeb Bush- “I can’t believe anybody would lie about a threat to human lives just to further a personal agenda.”

Hillary Clinton- “Did anybody die? This is a woman in distress. Our jails are already overcrowded.”

Bernie Sanders- “It’s about time somebody brought emergency preparedness into the public eye. I’ve been talking about this since 1832.”

So the major players seems split on how to handle this geological gesture of garage gamesmanship, which should come as a surprise to no one. However, the much larger issue here is: time spent doing chores or earning a living is time snatched away from news reporting. Clearly this woman must be controlled. At any time, a major scoop could break and end up on a mock news site such as Fox or ESPN. Journalists with integrity must be free to report at all hours of the day- or night (as long as it’s not past eleven, I’m old). Help expose this fraudulent farce, share the post, leave a comment, tattoo a pigeon on your left arm- whatever you can do to raise real awareness about the real issues.