Bradley Manning sentenced to prison until he hits puberty (or 35 years but who’s counting?)

In a partial message sent out to all who leak what’s left of United States government’s classified material, Bradley Manning has been sentenced to puberty. Well, he’s locked up until he can at least sprout facial hair convincingly. This reporter is fairly happy to have never earned such a sentence. Prosecutors were hoping to send a full message with a sentence between 60 and 90 years but, after redundant charges were dropped and the whole “aiding foreign jerks who probably already have the information anyway” charge was dropped Manning could walk out of jail in as little as ten years. If he stops Continue reading

George Zimmerman Juror B37 to Write Book

Well we knew it would happen sooner or later, although this is much sooner than even this whirlwind decade could have expected. One of the jurors from the George Zimmerman murder trial has signed a book deal. Timing is everything, it appears, and she must have needed to beat out George (who seems to be no stranger to getting beat) by signing before his handcuffs were even unlocked. In a country where the legal system has gone from 12 angry men to 6 bored women, this shouldn’t surprise anyone who already knew this was legal. This reporter never gets picked for jury duty and it’s a shame since he has an amazing eye for guilt and was even voted “Wapner Fan of the Year” seventeen times in a row. However, has it occurred to anyone that a juror is hardly unbiased if a bombshell decision could yield lucrative future book deals? Yet once again, this reporter is left waving his hands in the air, screaming “Pick me! Pick me!,” yet left standing there, forgotten, alone, just like on playgrounds of his childhood just like those losers he remembers from his youth.

What your reporter is trying to get at is, capitalism is already king of Congress and the White House, Supreme Court, traffic court, and night court, can we really afford for it to influence our jurors too? And how can I get picked before this is declared illegal? Is there some way to up your chances? Like when you buy multiple Powerball tickets?

George Zimmerman has been such a focal point for this country that any book just covering what his ethnicity actually is would be an instant best seller. Even if the juror is incapable of penning a coherent sentence, the book is destined for greatness. What went on in that room? How did all those excruciating hours (16 hours, big deal, I spent that much time eating in the last two days) weigh on the need to reach a verdict? Is it possible that any of these of women watched Paula Deen’s show?

The fact of the matter is, the trial was fairly short when one considers the scope of it. A controversial law, an unarmed teen whose face was frozen in time at 12, a president who couldn’t resist chiming in, all factors that should have played out over the course of a year’s worth of testimony. Yet it’s done, and juror B37 is now going to have to get very creative to fill more than a tourist pamphlet with solely her observations of the trial. I firmly expect the product to rate Fabio posing for the cover and, if B37 can’t carry a run on sentence in a bucket then this reporter is available as a ghost writer, just to keep the public informed of course.