Ask Dr. Steve- answers you never expected 9/13/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

The job market is terrible, I’m starving, my kids hate me and my XBOX just died. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Lost in America

Dear Lost,

The passing of your XBOX is something you’ll never recover from if you don’t act now. Continue reading

Ask Dr. Steve- because it’s cheaper 9/6/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

I recently answered an online ad for a photographer that needed a model. I’d never done nude modeling before and it was quite a shock. After he unchained me, removed all those clamps and the hood, he said he would let me know when the proofs are ready. Today my Dad asks me if I’d sold some pics to porn sites. I’m horrified. I can’t even begin to express the outrage burning through me right now. I guess you can’t trust people anymore. I’m totally creeped out my dad surfs porn. I’m 21 and moving out now, I just can’t be around him. How do you recommend I handle this? I don’t know where to begin.

Signed,

My Dad is a perv  Continue reading

Ask Dr. Steve- advice you’ll wish you’d never gotten 8/23/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

I’m a sophomore in college and really need to settle on a major. My parents have said they are only paying for four years so I need to make it count. I think I should just get a general education degree and use it as a platform to jump into whatever I want to do once I graduate. I hear they are very universal. What do you think? Continue reading

Dear Dr. Steve- Advice you’ll love to ignore 8/15/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

I think my wife is cheating on me. She called me from a strange number and said she wouldn’t be home. Then, when she came home, she was covered in hickies and walking like she just learned how to ride a horse. If that wasn’t enough, there was a note in her purse that said, “You were great last night, I didn’t know you could do that on playground equipment.” I know our marriage hasn’t been the best but this is too much for me. She denies it all, says I’m imagining things. Pretty hard to ignore all the signs, what should I do?

Signed,

Heartbroken and confused

Dear Confused, Continue reading

Ask Dr. Steve (or don’t I’ll make them up if I have to)- 8/9/13

Dear great and most esteemed Dr. Steve,

I think I might need a head doctor. I often find my mind drifting…. thinking of all the ways I can destroy my computer. Right now it’s a toss up. Slather honey on it and put it on an ant hill or throw it off of the Lewis and Clark Bridge.

Signed,

A lover of owls Continue reading

Ask Dr. Steve- You wanted it, now you got it. 8/2/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

I have this rash….

Signed,

No one who would be recognized here

Dear Ervin,

Say no more (please). We’ve all been there. Most of these are cosmetic issues with mild itching discomfort, however, should this rash continue for a more than a couple of days then action must be taken. First, try some Neosporin or other topical ointment. If that doesn’t work then I have the answer but you won’t like it very much. You must soak the affected part in gasoline for twenty minutes. Then light it on fire, once the flames subside, no trace of the rash will be found. Good luck, let’s hope it’s in an accessible spot (they never are).  Continue reading

Ask Dr. Steve- America’s favorite adviser 7/26/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

I have a co-worker who does nothing but talk all day. They don’t ever get any work done and the rest of us have to pick up their slack if we want to go home on time. None of us want to complain because she just might be sleeping with the owner. He is married and can’t afford to anger her and we are worried that we would end up losing our jobs if we say anything. What can we possibly do?

Sincerely,

Sick of this babbling slut

Dear Sick,

You have two choices here, neither of which is very good, but it should help you get rid of the slut. Continue reading

Ask Dr. Steve –Advice 7/20/2013

Dear Dr. Steve,

How can I tell my parents that I want to drop my biology major and go for a liberal arts degree? All I want to do is blog about the incredible ideas my cat has, I have to finish my degree but my parents want me to become a doctor. What can I do?

Signed,

My cat can solve world hunger

Dear hunger,

A liberal arts degree can’t even get you a job at Starbucks now. Unless you have huge earlobes and a beard. The beard must have enough food in it to keep you from needing to stop working for lunch. Send the cat to me and I’ll blog about him for a modest fee until you finish your degree. Or, switch to journalism, that way you can always fall back on writing for some loser newspaper until your blog makes huge money like this one.

Dear Dr. Steve,

How do you possibly work a day job, blow my inbox with all these posts, and raise a family at the same time? Are you even human?

Signed,

Amazed at all that you do

Dear Amazed,

It’s simple, I rarely sleep and ignore my family. They think I’m getting paid for this. Don’t blow my cover.

Dear Dr. Steve,

My cat destroyed my tinfoil hat and now if I take my medication it will make me twitch. The hat is the only thing that can stop them. I paid good money for that hat and it takes six weeks to have a new one made and delivered. I’ll have to go off my medication until it arrives, last time I ended up getting arrested for indecent exposure and trying to have sex with a parked police car. I can’t stand the twitches, what shall I do?

Sincerely,

I hate that cat

Dear I,

Mom will you stop trying to contact me through here? I said I’d be over for dinner tonight and I’ll make you a new hat. Please stay in the bathroom until I get there.

Have a problem you can’t solve and don’t want to ask anyone you know? Just ask Dr. Steve, all letters will be published anonymously and your secret will be safe with me. Just fill out the information below to finally get the help you’ve always needed but were to humiliated to ask someone near you.

Ask Dr. Steve- an advice column, for people who need advice

7/14/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

I am a wannabe satirist. My wife says I’m not funny. What do I do?

Sincerely,

This isn’t really Steve

Dear This,

Wives are the minions of the devil. They wish to lead you into dismal sadness and dead work so that they feel better after you saddled them with children. She has no humor and you should ignore her, quit your job, and write for a living. It’s really easy to do.

Dear Dr. Steve,

My mom said I can’t live in her basement anymore. She wants to be able to have friends over without questions like “Is he wearing a half shirt?” and “What’s that smell?” I don’t have a job, I’m trying to make it big as a satirist.

Thanks,

Steve didn’t write this

Dear Didn’t,

Your mom is jealous of your immense inborn creativity. She threw her life away after the tawdry hook up that resulted in you, and wants to start fresh with no reminders of her past indiscretions. You are too young at 40 to be out on your own. Get your bowl of mac ‘n cheese and go bang those keys. The world needs more humor.

And for the last letter of the day:

Dear Dr. Steve,

How did you become so great?

Signed,

Your number one fan

Dear Your,

I was born this way. After the nudists taught me how to survive in the world of man there was no stopping me. Please see my About page for more information on my unique upbringing. There is no one quite like me. Most people are happy about that.