In what is sure to be a shock to anyone who has ever has ever wondered if the US government is honest with its citizens, the answer is most likely… no. In yet another homeland spying revelation, it has been revealed that, “a secretive U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration unit is funneling information from intelligence intercepts, wiretaps, informants and a massive database of telephone records to authorities across the nation to help them launch criminal investigations of Americans.” There is no doubt that such a program could protect countless lives through stopping crime before it’s committed, however, where do we, as American citizens, draw the line on this widespread spying? Furthermore, if the article is correct about agents lying to judges and other law enforcement, it undermines any chance of our government being held accountable by anyone. More and more this reporter is becoming grateful that no one ever reads anything he writes, being ignored is safety in these Orwellian times. The DEA created within itself a super-secret club known as SOD, which is clearly a nod to the trend setting, always controversial 80s spin-off band Stormtroopers of Death. Continue reading
In a story that rocked the nation, a man has made a chocolate cake, and didn’t need twelve hours to clean up. However, this milestone doesn’t come without adversity. In an argument that has led to divorce, his wife claims it is impossible to not to dirty every dish, he is lying and bought the cake, and that she can no longer trust him, which led to their divorce. In a first of its kind, the divorce by jury made headlines and spurred comments that reached to the highest office in the land. The verdict, which found the man did indeed bake the cake, has caused riots, work slowdowns, and bakery closures everywhere. In an apparent effort to quiet the masses- or to spout off about a verdict again- President Obama stated, “You didn’t bake that. It was baked on the backs of many people. And if one man had baked that cake, it would look like a cake I baked. If I had cake, this is what it would be.” Continue reading
Eric Holder has announced changes in how the government can charge the sweet, innocent, blameless media (and possibly other people who really don’t matter) in leak probes. We journalist can breathe much easier now knowing the Justice Department can no longer charge reporters for doing their job in releasing all material they can regardless of the outcome. It is our job to keep America informed, buying papers, and making our investors and sponsors happy to give us more money. You may scoff that a “satirist” such as myself could be in danger of government action. To this I say, “If they will tackle the satirist promised land, AKA Fox News, then no one is safe.” This reporter is much relieved that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert were off-season and safe during this time of journalistic oppression, obviously nothing is sacred under this administration. This reporter may be endangering himself with such outspoken tactics but never fear, my faithful reader(s), they can’t steal MY email- you guys never create me any. Besides, all my contacts in the spy business are reached through much more secure methods.
When reached by carrier pigeon, a source- who spoke on the condition of anonymity due to not being authorized to do more than mop bathrooms- told me that FBI leaders are livid that the President would lambast the Bush era Patriot Act and its implications, use them beyond their scope, then limit their scope so severely. “The spooks feel like they’ll have to go back to spying on each other. Last time it got to this point the FBI vs. CIA softball tournaments were ugly. No one left the dugout without a disguise, it was really embarrassing watching a rhinoceros strike out a dogwood tree in the finals that year, not to mention the signals from the third base coach were relayed through satellites. It’s so much nicer when we can keep them busy spying on civilians,” the informant stated through a small flock of pigeons.
Media organizations will now be told if they are being investigated AND reporters cannot be considered co-conspirators for the sake of sneaking around secret search warrant rules for reporting material. I will never have to reveal my source and Jimbob will be fine as long he doesn’t let the pigeon poop pile too high. A reporter’s source is far too valuable in this pigeon-eat-pigeon world of sponsorship dollars, corporate-based media companies, and the reader expectation of a story that will occasionally hold under scrutiny. So for this protection, I say thank you AG Holden, and give a shout out to Bradly Manning and Eddie Snowden, thanks guys for taking the heat so the rest of us can sleep at night, in a nice warm bed, with multiple pillows, and AC in the summer, you guys are great.
Stay strong readers, our government is watching out for us. (Keep your head down Jimbob, your secret is safe with me).