Breaking news: Humor blogs are actually supposed to be funny- Customer appreciation post

Here at TNRNB, we strive to bring you the most cutting edge and honest reporting to be found anywhere on the Internet. We also try to do it in a way that brings a smile to the face of our reader(s) because, well, it drives up the word count faster so we can get back to the really important things, like Candy Crush (note: this reporter does not play Candy Crush or any other Facebook spawned games- although that Jurassic Park one is weakening my resolve). Over the weekend, our staff took time to look deeply into the direction our posts were taking (okay, I went Continue reading

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Nasdaq suspends trading for technical glitch

In an instance that is sure to cause some heads to be scratched, the index that carries the stocks of tech giants such as Apple, Microsoft, Ebay, Yahoo, and more recently Facebook had to shut down over technology problems. This reporter would like to think it is directly connected to this morning’s announcement that the New York Times had purchased The Not Really News Blog, but the two of you that read it are probably not to blame. While exactly what is going on is uncertain, we here at The Blog are relatively sure that the general public is still being efficiently screwed. This reporter knows of no means, legal or otherwise, that would keep the exchanges from royally sticking it to the common man. So don’t Continue reading

Bradley Manning sentenced to prison until he hits puberty (or 35 years but who’s counting?)

In a partial message sent out to all who leak what’s left of United States government’s classified material, Bradley Manning has been sentenced to puberty. Well, he’s locked up until he can at least sprout facial hair convincingly. This reporter is fairly happy to have never earned such a sentence. Prosecutors were hoping to send a full message with a sentence between 60 and 90 years but, after redundant charges were dropped and the whole “aiding foreign jerks who probably already have the information anyway” charge was dropped Manning could walk out of jail in as little as ten years. If he stops Continue reading

Health-3 Ways to not be as ugly as you presently are (formerly known as beauty tips)

Many simple, healthy sounding formulas for becoming less ugly are found all over the Internet and seem to plague Facebook more than most places. This reporter felt it was time to move some of these tips to one place for easier “un-uglifying©” yourself. It has not escaped attention that many of these formulae (I love –ae endings) are very slow to produce results so, in total TNRNB fashion, a second and more- immediate- option is available.

  1. Facial hair removal cream: Continue reading

The Not Really News Blog: Interview Series- Steve Kallio

TNRNB is proud to announce a series of personal and enlightening interviews featuring many of the characters (living or janitorial) found in the articles of this site. Naturally the first person your faithful newshound chose to interview was- himself. It was a riveting interview. I left no stone unturned. I now feel like I know me a little better. I should have done this years ago, maybe I would have a job, but then, that might have interfered with the media empire I have created here. So without further delay here is me, interviewing, me… Continue reading

Facebook refuses U.N. records request- it’s a pirate’s life for me

Edward Snowden may have claimed the social networks caved in to NSA pressure for spy material on U.S. citizens, but it stood its ground against the United Nations request for information regarding suspected Somali pirates. While the U.N. says pirates use a variety of means to coordinate activity, real pirates say they don’t use social media “for business” as it greatly increases the likelihood of getting caught. According to NBC, “there are more personal accounts than general ones for the pirates,” said Bile Hussein, a Somali pirate commander in Gracad, a pirate base in central Somalia by phone. “We use emails for deals.” Of course they use email, after all who would suspect CaptSparrow@imapirate.com (not a real email address, however, should it work I have no connection, matey. Nor do I own a parrot) could really be a pirate. So it appears that, while Twitter makes it easier to bust bullies, Facebook is standing its cyber-ground on who can use or can’t use the platform. And why shouldn’t they? It’s not like the U.N. can do much about it, they don’t even have subpoena ability.  Continue reading

Vervet monkeys: a case study in pigmentation

In science news, it has been shown that males are usually the more colorful sex in the animal kingdom. It has also been shown that the more colorful amongst males usually have more mates than their less colorful brethren. In a rather creepy development, it has also been shown that the lighter blue a male vervet monkey’s testicles are the lower social status he has, making him a lesser choice for mating. To make matters even more interesting, the blue fades as the monkey gets knocked farther down the corporate ladder. This reporter has the rare chance to share this story with little embellishment at all, showing once again the old adage to be true, the funniest things in life are real. So now, whenever a case of blue balls happens to strike, just think, a vervet monkey would love to have that problem right now…

Without further ado, a vervet monkey of apparent high status:

Never let it be said that a reporter does not suffer to bring his readers all the information they need to get through their day. I would also like to thank the I fucking love science Facebook page for this story. One can never have too many chances to show that blue balls can be a good thing.