In what bodes well for the future of children throughout the country and promises to spark more debate with prudes over boobs in public, the rate of new moms who breastfeed their infants has risen to 77%. Breastfeeding has a multitude of benefits, ranging from strong immune systems to possibly yielding smarter children- with the greatest benefits being those memes of babies with funny looks on their faces talking about boobs- those are great. Breastfeeding has faced many hurdles since the world because a prude-filled hate factory. There was a time when some doctors alluded that formulas might be easier to digest and have nutritional kickbacks (I meant values, I really did). However, the biggest threat to mothers’ ability to breastfeed has been the inconvenience of leaving the home. Much to the chagrin of men everywhere, some members of society frown on a breast being revealed in public, even partially, in order for a mother to feed her child. This saddens your faithful newshound that mothers are not able to do the best thing for their babies. While it is true that most of these complainers are mothers with young, but no longer nursing, children there was a guy who complained once but he was beaten senseless by a pack of construction workers and lost the ability to speak. Continue reading
The trial of James “Whitey” Bulger becomes more surreal each day. FBI informants turned rouge, FBI investigators turned rouge, rouges turned informants, it’s almost like nobody could trust each other. It was almost like a scene from The Departed, but that would just be ridiculous. Clearly there is a huge line between Hollywood and real life. Yet here we are, with every day of new testimony sounding like mobsters are real and capitalism is alive and well in the underworld. And, after 16 years of living as a fugitive, Bulger, now 83, is on trial for 19 killings, extortion, and racketeering. If convicted, he could spend the rest of his life behind bars. He’s 83, they’ll be lucky to get more than a couple of years out of him, like a new Ford or something. Maybe instead of life in prison, he should be forced to do things that benefit humanity, like teach Democrats how to raise money- It’s clear Republicans already know how to use extortion so that would be a waste of taxpayer’s dollars teaching them. He could teach Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes, and other child actresses gone psycho, how to live in California unnoticed. And most importantly he could teach the rest of us how get cool nicknames.
With names like “The Rifleman” and “Whitey” or other mob names like “Scarface,” it is clear that criminals dominate the market in cool nicknames. Even Mexican drugs lords get names like “El General” and “La Barbie,” or my favorite “El Nacho.” And so this reporter wants a nickname, something cool and intimidating and not “asshole” like his wife calls him. Those who go back a few years on Facebook with me will recall a status on Mexican drug lords were I was going to being smuggling Tylenol 3 with codeine across the border under the guise of Steve “Carne Asada Burrito with extra sour cream.” I have since abandoned those dreams because drug smuggling is illegal- and they get shot at a lot. So this hard edged, investigative hound is on the search for a new moniker, something that describes his ability to ferret out the most amazing stories and most informative sources “Power to Google!!!!” Wait. That’s it. Ladies and gentlemen all me to introduce your reporter’s new all mighty nickname: Steve “Power to Google!!!” Kallio, complete with three (3) exclamation points. You may use PtG for short if you fear carpal tunnel syndrome from type-chanting my name as I bring you the latest in critical news and bring myself…. Internet domination. Oops. Got a little wild there for a second, but I’m okay now. Being raised by pheasants has posed some difficulties in how to act in society 9more about that here). Stay strong faithful reader(s) we will get through this together.
Eric Holder has announced changes in how the government can charge the sweet, innocent, blameless media (and possibly other people who really don’t matter) in leak probes. We journalist can breathe much easier now knowing the Justice Department can no longer charge reporters for doing their job in releasing all material they can regardless of the outcome. It is our job to keep America informed, buying papers, and making our investors and sponsors happy to give us more money. You may scoff that a “satirist” such as myself could be in danger of government action. To this I say, “If they will tackle the satirist promised land, AKA Fox News, then no one is safe.” This reporter is much relieved that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert were off-season and safe during this time of journalistic oppression, obviously nothing is sacred under this administration. This reporter may be endangering himself with such outspoken tactics but never fear, my faithful reader(s), they can’t steal MY email- you guys never create me any. Besides, all my contacts in the spy business are reached through much more secure methods.
When reached by carrier pigeon, a source- who spoke on the condition of anonymity due to not being authorized to do more than mop bathrooms- told me that FBI leaders are livid that the President would lambast the Bush era Patriot Act and its implications, use them beyond their scope, then limit their scope so severely. “The spooks feel like they’ll have to go back to spying on each other. Last time it got to this point the FBI vs. CIA softball tournaments were ugly. No one left the dugout without a disguise, it was really embarrassing watching a rhinoceros strike out a dogwood tree in the finals that year, not to mention the signals from the third base coach were relayed through satellites. It’s so much nicer when we can keep them busy spying on civilians,” the informant stated through a small flock of pigeons.
Media organizations will now be told if they are being investigated AND reporters cannot be considered co-conspirators for the sake of sneaking around secret search warrant rules for reporting material. I will never have to reveal my source and Jimbob will be fine as long he doesn’t let the pigeon poop pile too high. A reporter’s source is far too valuable in this pigeon-eat-pigeon world of sponsorship dollars, corporate-based media companies, and the reader expectation of a story that will occasionally hold under scrutiny. So for this protection, I say thank you AG Holden, and give a shout out to Bradly Manning and Eddie Snowden, thanks guys for taking the heat so the rest of us can sleep at night, in a nice warm bed, with multiple pillows, and AC in the summer, you guys are great.
Stay strong readers, our government is watching out for us. (Keep your head down Jimbob, your secret is safe with me).