Women’s health- black market buttocks injections

Thanks to the nefarious rants and ravings of Sir Mix-A-Lot and others who followed in his trend setting wake, women’s black market buttock enlarging injections are on the rise. That’s right folks while so many women are starving themselves, living in gyms, and suing Sketchers® for making them look stupid, in order to slim down and fighting creeping butt size there is a number of women who are pursuing back alley cosmetic work to increase the surface area of the badonkadonk. While this may seem strange to some, after duckface, nothing surprises this reporter anymore. “Injectors” charge less than half of what a trained medical professional would ask for in cash, although the complications- which can include loss of limbs, blood poisoning, death, and an ass made of concrete- drive the final total far higher for black market procedures. Ladies, please use better judgment when falling for crazy cosmetic fads, some of these things are very serious. We here at TNRNB worry about you and so we have compiled the following checklist in order to make choosing your cosmetic enhancement specialist easier, safer, and even faster (since you don’t need a secret password to hire them if you do it right).  Continue reading

Advertisements

The Zimmerman jury sequestration that wasn’t

Proving sequestering, like a federal filibuster, isn’t what it used to be ,the jurors in the George Zimmerman murder trial were allowed to go bowling and shop at the mall. They were also allowed to go to the Ripley’s Believe It or Not! Museum where they were undoubtedly an exhibit. In a trial that made waves in just about every way possible, from racial tension to racial confusion to the fact that it ever existed at all, the idea that a jury for a reasonably short trial (for its kind) could cost over $30,000 might be the penultimate head scratcher.

This reporter may not be a judicial expert but it seems that sequestering means to “lock away,” not “send out to remake “Ferris Beuller’s Day Off.” A trial of overwhelming media saturation would seem to call for a tightly guarded jury in any state but Florida. This would appear to open the door for a multitude of appeals and potentially threaten Juror B37’s book deal. Now how is that fair to “judiciary capitalism®.” It is mind-boggling, and more than a little comforting, that a juror’s own actions could screw her out of millions for all six pages of her story. But the world will never know what was truly discussed in that jury room- not unless the world wants to stitch the hundreds of interviews, news reports, blog posts, and satirical snobbery that will flow over the next two weeks.

However, thanks to several high profile cases lately, Florida is in the running for most true crime novels, biographies, and (my favorite) unauthorized biographies. In fact, borrowing a punch line for the comic strip “Get Fuzzy,” Florida may soon break the record for the most unauthorized auto-biographies. This reporter isn’t complaining folks, after all this is what keeps him busy, makes him the big bucks, brings in the bacon, lets him forget he isn’t getting paid a dime for this. I can already see that huge ad for Nike or Microsoft, maybe even Wal-Mart, but more than likely- Uncle Bill’s Fried Wiener Bits: The wiener with a crunch. Don’t mock it, everything started somewhere. We’ll get there. TNRNB and Uncle Bill’s may end up being the greatest partnership since Watson and Crick or Gates and Paul Allen or Phil Knight and China. Great things come to those who are in the right place at the right time not those who really put effort into anything, which is why I do almost no fact checking so I can fit in. Stay strong faithful reader(s), maybe you,’ll get an all-expense paid jury duty vacation sometime soon.