Ask Dr. Steve- You wanted it, now you got it. 8/2/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

I have this rash….

Signed,

No one who would be recognized here

Dear Ervin,

Say no more (please). We’ve all been there. Most of these are cosmetic issues with mild itching discomfort, however, should this rash continue for a more than a couple of days then action must be taken. First, try some Neosporin or other topical ointment. If that doesn’t work then I have the answer but you won’t like it very much. You must soak the affected part in gasoline for twenty minutes. Then light it on fire, once the flames subside, no trace of the rash will be found. Good luck, let’s hope it’s in an accessible spot (they never are).  Continue reading

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Mafia Boss Trial- Straight Out Of a Movie

The trial of James “Whitey” Bulger becomes more surreal each day. FBI informants turned rouge, FBI investigators turned rouge, rouges turned informants, it’s almost like nobody could trust each other. It was almost like a scene from The Departed, but that would just be ridiculous. Clearly there is a huge line between Hollywood and real life. Yet here we are, with every day of new testimony sounding like mobsters are real and capitalism is alive and well in the underworld. And, after 16 years of living as a fugitive, Bulger, now 83, is on trial for 19 killings, extortion, and racketeering. If convicted, he could spend the rest of his life behind bars. He’s 83, they’ll be lucky to get more than a couple of years out of him, like a new Ford or something. Maybe instead of life in prison, he should be forced to do things that benefit humanity, like teach Democrats how to raise money- It’s clear Republicans already know how to use extortion so that would be a waste of taxpayer’s dollars teaching them. He could teach Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes, and other child actresses gone psycho, how to live in California unnoticed. And most importantly he could teach the rest of us how get cool nicknames.

With names like “The Rifleman” and “Whitey” or other mob names like “Scarface,” it is clear that criminals dominate the market in cool nicknames. Even Mexican drugs lords get names like “El General” and “La Barbie,” or my favorite “El Nacho.” And so this reporter wants a nickname, something cool and intimidating and not “asshole” like his wife calls him. Those who go back a few years on Facebook with me will recall a status on Mexican drug lords were I was going to being smuggling Tylenol 3 with codeine across the border under the guise of Steve “Carne Asada Burrito with extra sour cream.” I have since abandoned those dreams because drug smuggling is illegal- and they get shot at a lot. So this hard edged, investigative hound is on the search for a new moniker, something that describes his ability to ferret out the most amazing stories and most informative sources “Power to Google!!!!” Wait. That’s it. Ladies and gentlemen all me to introduce your reporter’s new all mighty nickname: Steve “Power to Google!!!” Kallio, complete with three (3) exclamation points. You may use PtG for short if you fear carpal tunnel syndrome from type-chanting my name as I bring you the latest in critical news and bring myself…. Internet domination. Oops. Got a little wild there for a second, but I’m okay now. Being raised by pheasants has posed some difficulties in how to act in society 9more about that here). Stay strong faithful reader(s) we will get through this together.

Dave Matthews picked up hitchhiking to his own concert

In what, on the surface, appears to be a “feel good story about a young couple who doesn’t know any better meeting a hero©,” Dave Matthews was picked up by concert goers en route to HIS concert and given a ride to the venue. Matthews was riding his bike to the show when he experienced a flat tire. The fans saw him, stopped, and the rest is viral news story/blip on the radar history. What a wonderful story- not. Folks, this is just another case of a major “celebrity” flaunting their disregard of all things “legal.” Hitchhiking is illegal folks, yet where most of us would have a citation waiting for us at the end of the trip, Mr. Matthews enjoys free publicity. Did he really not pack a spare tube or repair kit? Can he not just whip out his phone and call for his limo like the rest of us? It certainly appears HE doesn’t need to. What a shame. This is what our country has come to, celebrity rule- kind of like martial law only with more rehab.

Further, this story reflects the growing issue of profiling that has swept the country, from faux airline pilot names to the ethnicity of a man accused of the murder of an unarmed teen, this has become a real problem in our society. My wife went out to grab the paper this morning, fresh out of the shower, with a towel on her head- three people dove behind their garbage cans. Now she may not exactly shine before her makeup is on but come on folks, she’s not going to suicide bomb anyone’s mailbox.

Further complicating matters is the subject of profiling. Mr. Matthew’s “rock star look” is pretty clean cut and all-American. He looks more like a late 80s John Cougar-Mellencamp or present day Eddie Vetter than a wild rocker. This makes him much more “pickupable©,” it appears, than, oh say, a real rock star who looks like a rock star like “Weird Al” Yankovich or Morbid Angel. Profiling has led to civil rights movements, legislation, and the re-election of a certain Arizona sheriff. I guess it remains to be seen if this will add to his teenie bopper image or pull him down like a Bieber in a mosh pit (not much of a life span there).

Dave Matthews (via Google Search):

Slipknot (via Google Search):

You tell me who these “rock fans” were going to pick up.

Reader(s), we have to take our country back from the celebs who dictate what laws do or do not apply to them like a Senator with a Twitter account. This is our land and it is our dollars that we waste to go to the events, be they movies or concerts, that make these people celebrities- except for the Kardashians, and Paris Hilton, nobody’s really sure what’s going on there. Stay strong reader(s), and demand that our rock stars look like freaks and follow the law, the way it should be.