The flocking dead- Moscow reports “zombie pigeons” invading the city

In a story that couldn’t be more perfect for this author, reports of pigeons with “zombie-like” behavior are flooding out of Moscow. Understandably, all of TNRNB’s covert carrier pigeons are grounded in that country so our access to janitorial moles are severely limited. This is a developing story, at least for those of us who depend on 1912 technology. We really must boost revenues around here. Reports gained by reading what everyone else has already written say Continue reading

Health-3 Ways to not be as ugly as you presently are (formerly known as beauty tips)

Many simple, healthy sounding formulas for becoming less ugly are found all over the Internet and seem to plague Facebook more than most places. This reporter felt it was time to move some of these tips to one place for easier “un-uglifying©” yourself. It has not escaped attention that many of these formulae (I love –ae endings) are very slow to produce results so, in total TNRNB fashion, a second and more- immediate- option is available.

  1. Facial hair removal cream: Continue reading

It’s small town fair time again- how to protect yourself

That’s right folks it’s mid-summer botulism season again. A time that is critical to developing a young child’s immune system, a time of health department-free, unregulated food sales, and mostly a time to buy stock in portable outhouse rental agencies. Small town fair time offers a few distractions such as a parade, maybe a few rides, and food cooked in converted travel trailers owned by fraternal brotherhoods named after scary animals (like moose). However majestic this may all sound, this time of year offers some health threats that may cut your festivities short, or at least send you to stew in the sauna-like environs of a port-a-potty. Here are some tips to keep you from spending your weekend hugging porcelain:

  1. Don’t touch anything. Touches lead to germ spreading and it’s the biggest germ convention of the year at fairs. Too many kids, followed by too many animals.
  2. Don’t eat anything. Granted that VFW member may be a bona fide grillin’ villain at home, but that’s a far cry from stepping in as a short order cook to serve all 3 people who didn’t read this warning. You don’t know where anything has been and how they managed to sterilize that converted travel trailer that hasn’t been touched since this time last year. If you do have to eat, go for something smothered in onions at least that way your breath will keep other germ packing people away from you, if the food doesn’t knock you down first.
  3. Don’t let anyone touch you. Just because you read this and follow the rules for fair survival doesn’t mean others will (they probably won’t read this in their haste to be first in line for the pie eating contest). Is that handshake worth 20 minutes in the porta-sauna? I didn’t think so.
  4. Avoid eating contests. I warned you about the food, now you want to see how fast you can down it? Before you fill out that form, go sit in that sun drenched honey bucket just outside of the beer garden. Now do you really want to gorge yourself.
  5. Stay in the beer garden. Alcohol is a sanitizer. Just keep drinking and all will be fine. I promise.
  6. Avoid parades. If the horses poop their way down the street before the candy throwing floats get there… I think you can do the math on this one. And how many times have you seen a parade where the animals were last? That would be un-American.
  7. Avoid animals. Other than an amazing opportunity to see a chicken who actually looks like the rock star Slash, there’s nothing in the 4-H section other than pigs with butt cheeks that look uncannily human and pestilence.

While it certainly seems safer to just stay home, you really need to see that chicken. Stay strong reader(s), here’s a sample photo of that chicken (taken at a small town fair by your fearless reporter in order to limit your risk) in case you put safety before fairs.

Leave a comment about your best or worst fair experience.

Men’s Health- Survival

While there are many articles out there telling men what they need to do to stay fit and tone those triceps, there are few that really touch on the second most important topic in a man’s life- survival. The Not Really News Blog won’t waste your time with another blah blah blah article on building the perfect quads. TNRNB wants you to live, read articles, and be happy. The first two we can help you with. The third is impossible. Happiness is for wild animals, they don’t have anything important to worry about, besides Republicans. So without further delay, 10 tips for men’s survival:

  1. Drink from the jug. This is important. Drinking from the jug is territory marking. We can’t waste precious resources by sharing. We want to survive. If you can’t pee on it then drink out of it.
  2. Don’t have a family. Another huge mistake men make is getting married and having kids. There is no better way to die young than to sacrifice all your hard work- even for a cute little defenseless baby.
  3. Don’t play with babies. Babies are germ party houses. They sit around covered from end to end in slime. Whether they are sitting poo or drenched in drool, they are festering sites of disease waiting to happen.
  4. Eat what you want. All these new fad diets require you to not eat something and eat less of everything. How does that even make sense? What you don’t eat, someone else will, then it’s gone forever. The key to survival is waste nothing.
  5. Waste nothing. Never throw anything away. The odds are tremendous that you will need something someday that chucked out with the trash. Since there is no way of knowing what that is, keep everything. Bases covered. Some things can also be repurposed. Forks can be made into back scratchers, for instance.
  6. Don’t let women buy your clothes. Women buy clothes so that they can parade you around like a trained monkey. While monkeys qualify for happiness under the Wild Animal Happiness Act™ mentioned above, trained monkeys aren’t wild any more so they are required to be miserable as well. Buy your own clothes. And buy manly, warm ones that don’t sag.
  7. Don’t own trained monkeys. If too many trained monkeys are out there, women may stop making men altogether. That would be a real threat to survival.
  8. Don’t wash dishes. Men get water everywhere when they wash dishes, it’s part of the fun. However, those puddles of fun are serious slipping hazards and if you brain yourself on the counter and die in a pool of your own blood, you won’t be surviving very well
  9. Keep your blood on the inside of your body. TNRNB cannot stress enough how important this is. If you don’t follow any the other tips, follow this one. It works without being part of an entire fitness program.
  10. Buy paper plates. Paper plates avoid the issues of #8 which could lead to failure of #9. Once used, they can be burned for heat, which keeps you from getting cold.

There you have it men, survival is easy if you follow these ten simple tricks. Stay strong, and don’t bleed.