In a shocking plea deal that is certain to finally make the common man feel like justice has been served to a professional athlete, Aaron Hernandez pled guilty to all counts today. The counts covered the murder of Odin Lloyd and the drive double killings currently under investigation. In what has been termed as a “coup d’état that would make Egypt proud,” prosecutors got their man, and for once it didn’t cost gazillions of taxpayer money to do it. Under the deal, Hernandez will have three counts of first degree murder, menacing, coercion, racketeering, domestic terrorism, crimes against humanity, making Belichick sad, and impersonating a tight end. The deal brings closure to many family members and fans who figured he would be traded soon anyway. The charges will all be explained in a news conference after practice gets out but this reporter had to break the story and therefore, sacrificed important details for “the scoopage.©” I feel terrible about this but the United Brotherhood of People Who Write Articles Just for Attention has threatened to revoke my media card if I didn’t lower my standards. Continue reading
Court documents unsealed today show that one of the suspects involved in the Aaron Hernandez murder investigation told police that Hernandez admitted to a third man that he shot Lloyd, adding yet another layer to the circumstantial case of champions against the former New England Patriots tight end. The case has fascinated fans and criminal law undergrads for its seemingly endless stream of folly. Lloyd was last seen in car rented by Hernandez, Hernandez was caught on his own home surveillance system getting into the car with a pistol. Hernandez was also known to be upset with Lloyd over a discussion he had with what may have been rival gang members at a night club a few days prior to his murder. This reporter has gained a bit of insight into how that conversation could have enraged Hernandez to the point of murder. It appears that the rival gang members were all wearing NFL jerseys with the name Gronkowski across the back. It may be unrelated, who knows?
In related events Hernandez may share time as wide receiver with his potential new team, the Massachusetts State Corrections Department “Minutemen” semi-pro team. He has also agreed to a contract with a biographer (who shall remain nameless) to chronicle all of his exploits, pitfalls, mistakes and stats from NFL draft until parole in a new book entitled “The Longest Tard.”
Updates as the story develops.