Stories of Impending PNW Earthquake are Actually an Attack on TNRNB

 

found in a Google search

found in a Google search

By now you’ve all heard about the earthquake which will someday destroy the Pacific Northwest in a cataclysmic event known as “The Great Shake” (as opposed to the “Little Wiggle” I guess). However, further investigation into this “potential 9.0+ magnitude” tremblor reveals that things are not as they appear (like Donald Trump’s hair). In an undercover operation worthy of Hollywood, Chris the carrier pigeon exposed this “crisis” for what it really is. Yes, fearless reader(s)- or Jim from Nantucket- this dastardly diatribe of deadly devastation is nothing more than a sneaky attempt by this reporter’s wife to con him into cleaning out the garage. Hard to believe, isn’t it Jim?

This reporter’s wife has long complained that his prized possessions are overloading the shelves and could cause bodily harm to the unwary. While it cannot be disputed that this menagerie of man stuff is extensive, one may argue that the seventeen totes of Christmas decorations border on excessive as well. And we won’t even go into the closets full of knickknacks and “air freshening devices” that could turn to shrapnel and/or a toxic cloud of “freshly laundered linen” and “spring bouquet in the rain” (which, coincidently, translates to “dandelions in a downpour” around here). While the wife’s actions may seem to be out of desperation, the consequences may be far reaching. This reporter has gathered some snippets from the latest crop of presidential wannabes about their thoughts on this regional false alarm.

Donald Trump- “I prefer false alarms that haven’t been caught.”

Jeb Bush- “I can’t believe anybody would lie about a threat to human lives just to further a personal agenda.”

Hillary Clinton- “Did anybody die? This is a woman in distress. Our jails are already overcrowded.”

Bernie Sanders- “It’s about time somebody brought emergency preparedness into the public eye. I’ve been talking about this since 1832.”

So the major players seems split on how to handle this geological gesture of garage gamesmanship, which should come as a surprise to no one. However, the much larger issue here is: time spent doing chores or earning a living is time snatched away from news reporting. Clearly this woman must be controlled. At any time, a major scoop could break and end up on a mock news site such as Fox or ESPN. Journalists with integrity must be free to report at all hours of the day- or night (as long as it’s not past eleven, I’m old). Help expose this fraudulent farce, share the post, leave a comment, tattoo a pigeon on your left arm- whatever you can do to raise real awareness about the real issues.

No Intelligent Life Found on Pluto

As the New Horizon spacecraft continues to send back stunning images of the planet/not-planet/there-goes-my-childhood world of Pluto, scientists have decided there is no evidence of intelligent life on the frozen world. Aside from a heart (or Mickey Mouse) shaped formation, Pluto is barren of anything else Disney would plunder for a movie. While this news is disheartening for many who wished to find a respite from the unintelligent life we have here, one particular group is ecstatic about the news.

Politicians from both sides of the aisle are flocking to annex the dwarf planet as our 51st state, leapfrogging longtime applicants Puerto Rico, Guam, and Canada. Presidential hopefuls took to the airwaves announcing their support for any unintelligent voters the world may support. Yes fearless reader(s), your dedicated one-man news agency managed to cover all political press conferences at once and gleaned some snippets on the candidate’s opinions.

Donald Trump: As long as they’ve never been captured, they may worship me.

Jeb Bush: I’d never give arms to them. How many legs do they have though? Might be able to work something out there…

Hillary Clinton: They need a hand up. Let us share our national wealth and surplus with these less fortunate Plutonians. In return they may want to share their votes with me….

Bernie Sanders: Can we get them jobs? Do they belong to a union? There’s just so much we need to know.

Such a move is bound to be contested by our closest allies. In fact, TNRNB has contacted some sources who wish to remain anonymous due to the sensitive nature of them getting fired. Your number one news source always comes through.

Germany: This is an outrage and shameless land grab. Such a move would extend the U.S. sovereign rights to the entire solar system.

France: We will resist any attempts by the U.S. to lay claim to an entire planet. As long as we don’t actually have to anything besides talk about it

Canada: eh?

Iran: Did somebody say Plutonium???

That’s all for now fearless reader(s), stay strong as your tireless newshound scours the airwaves for more stories you won’t read anyway.