Classifieds 8/12/13

For sale or trade:

One gently used toilet. Except for that day we hosted a chili cook off, it really got a workout that time. All original lid, seat and tank. Factory flappy thing in tank, exit hole bored .030″ inch over for added flush power. Off white with pearl flames. First $50 takes it or trade for a Continue reading

Advertisements

Man bakes cake without dirtying every dish in the house- Wife doesn’t believe him

In a story that rocked the nation, a man has made a chocolate cake, and didn’t need twelve hours to clean up. However, this milestone doesn’t come without adversity. In an argument that has led to divorce, his wife claims it is impossible to not to dirty every dish, he is lying and bought the cake, and that she can no longer trust him, which led to their divorce. In a first of its kind, the divorce by jury made headlines and spurred comments that reached to the highest office in the land. The verdict, which found the man did indeed bake the cake, has caused riots, work slowdowns, and bakery closures everywhere. In an apparent effort to quiet the masses- or to spout off about a verdict again- President Obama stated, “You didn’t bake that. It was baked on the backs of many people. And if one man had baked that cake, it would look like a cake I baked. If I had cake, this is what it would be.”  Continue reading

Ask Dr. Steve- America’s favorite adviser 7/26/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

I have a co-worker who does nothing but talk all day. They don’t ever get any work done and the rest of us have to pick up their slack if we want to go home on time. None of us want to complain because she just might be sleeping with the owner. He is married and can’t afford to anger her and we are worried that we would end up losing our jobs if we say anything. What can we possibly do?

Sincerely,

Sick of this babbling slut

Dear Sick,

You have two choices here, neither of which is very good, but it should help you get rid of the slut. Continue reading

Where you grow up can hurt how far you rise- future income dictated by birth

With the arrival of the new royal baby, TNRNB decided to look into factors that affect all of us in our climb to the top. After much research, it is clear that the top is far different for all of us. In the United States, there are several factors that keeps the “Land of Opportunity” only opportune for some people and not others. It seems that being born in the South places severe limitations on how far you may rise above your birth station. Undoubtedly, this is a separate phenomenon from the foreign language they speak down there. “Ya’ll need ta know, I’m fixin’ ta cut off the lights,” is far more threatening sounding than it really is, but no one is actually sure what it means. If we are cutting off lights in the South, this reporter is going to look into a “replacing all those lights Southerners cut off” startup. What could possibly go wrong?

The study also found that race was not a deciding factor, across the board, in what keeps a man down. In Atlanta, for example, whites and blacks are equally stuck in poverty when compared to the income of their parents. The places found to have the highest mobility included Pittsburgh, Seattle (take that Seasonal Affect Disorder), and Salt Lake City which shows that man can succeed in any climate, from the desert to “look I’m sprouting gills.” However, there must be some way to predict how well a child will earn income in adulthood. We have powerful tools for looking into these things and this reporter thinks that the people who did this study will soon be opening a “career counseling” center within a fertility clinic complete with birthing stations and a travel agent to move your new child to the place most likely to help them earn enough to get yo into a nice rest home where the staff actually rolls you over to prevent bedsores. This reporter may invest in that clinic, the stock will soar (according to Martha Stewart who always knows these things).

Still feeling that the researchers had a secret motive, your tireless, never giving up, news hound performed his own study to find what the best indicators of future success in the United States were. The results were shocking. You are far, far, far more likely to grow up to be rich and successful if you are born in a mansion than if you are born in a state subsidized housing project (gasp). But why? It seems being born in a mansion gives you more opportunities, like better schools, better healthcare, higher likelihood of a two parent family, and, most importantly, the backing of the Republican National Party. Stay strong faithful reader(s), we will break these barriers.

Cooking- the old recipes are always the best

My family on my mother’s side is old German. Or olde German (olde means really, really old), or Prussian, or Austrian, or something like that. As I was going through some old(e) family boxes I came across an a very old(e!) cookbook. Now sometimes these kind of recipes call for bizarre things like oxen bladder or something made from sheep intestines. This cake seemed to be a family favorite and I was stunned to find it dated back to the 1400’s. It seems back then it was customary to make things in epic proportions so as to be able to have leftovers for days. While I wonder about the authenticity of the recipe (I’ve had some jokers in the woodpile), I felt it was worth sharing with the world. The following cake recipe may need adjusted to fit your own family’s consumption needs.

Great, great, great, great, great grandmother’s (twice-removed) cake of champions:

10 cups sifted cake flour

14 teaspoons baking powder

4 teaspoons salt

12 egg whites

6 cups white sugar

2 3/4 cups butter

4 cups milk

4 teaspoon vanilla extract

3 teaspoon almond extract

2 eight year old children

Directions

  1. Fatten children in cages with candy and confections until plump- roast in wood fired oven until done, let cool
  2. Measure sifted cake flour, baking powder, and salt; sift together three times.
  3. In a mixing bowl, beat egg whites until foamy. Add 5 cups sugar gradually, and continue beating only until meringue will hold up in soft peaks.
  4. Beat butter until smooth. Gradually add remaining 1 cup sugar, and cream together until light and fluffy. Add sifted ingredients alternately with milk a small amount at a time, beating after each addition until smooth. Mix in flavorings. Add meringue, and mix thoroughly into batter. Spread batter over roasted children in a pan which has been lined on the bottom with parchment paper.
  5. Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 30 to 35 minutes. Cool cake in pan 10 minutes, then remove from pan and transfer to a wire rack to finish cooling.

As stated I haven’t tried this recipe myself so if you do please leave comments below rating it. If it’s been in the family this long, I assume it must be pretty good, although it sounds a little fattening. I just can’t believe I’ve never heard of it before.

It’s small town fair time again- how to protect yourself

That’s right folks it’s mid-summer botulism season again. A time that is critical to developing a young child’s immune system, a time of health department-free, unregulated food sales, and mostly a time to buy stock in portable outhouse rental agencies. Small town fair time offers a few distractions such as a parade, maybe a few rides, and food cooked in converted travel trailers owned by fraternal brotherhoods named after scary animals (like moose). However majestic this may all sound, this time of year offers some health threats that may cut your festivities short, or at least send you to stew in the sauna-like environs of a port-a-potty. Here are some tips to keep you from spending your weekend hugging porcelain:

  1. Don’t touch anything. Touches lead to germ spreading and it’s the biggest germ convention of the year at fairs. Too many kids, followed by too many animals.
  2. Don’t eat anything. Granted that VFW member may be a bona fide grillin’ villain at home, but that’s a far cry from stepping in as a short order cook to serve all 3 people who didn’t read this warning. You don’t know where anything has been and how they managed to sterilize that converted travel trailer that hasn’t been touched since this time last year. If you do have to eat, go for something smothered in onions at least that way your breath will keep other germ packing people away from you, if the food doesn’t knock you down first.
  3. Don’t let anyone touch you. Just because you read this and follow the rules for fair survival doesn’t mean others will (they probably won’t read this in their haste to be first in line for the pie eating contest). Is that handshake worth 20 minutes in the porta-sauna? I didn’t think so.
  4. Avoid eating contests. I warned you about the food, now you want to see how fast you can down it? Before you fill out that form, go sit in that sun drenched honey bucket just outside of the beer garden. Now do you really want to gorge yourself.
  5. Stay in the beer garden. Alcohol is a sanitizer. Just keep drinking and all will be fine. I promise.
  6. Avoid parades. If the horses poop their way down the street before the candy throwing floats get there… I think you can do the math on this one. And how many times have you seen a parade where the animals were last? That would be un-American.
  7. Avoid animals. Other than an amazing opportunity to see a chicken who actually looks like the rock star Slash, there’s nothing in the 4-H section other than pigs with butt cheeks that look uncannily human and pestilence.

While it certainly seems safer to just stay home, you really need to see that chicken. Stay strong reader(s), here’s a sample photo of that chicken (taken at a small town fair by your fearless reporter in order to limit your risk) in case you put safety before fairs.

Leave a comment about your best or worst fair experience.

Ask Dr. Steve- an advice column, for people who need advice

7/14/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

I am a wannabe satirist. My wife says I’m not funny. What do I do?

Sincerely,

This isn’t really Steve

Dear This,

Wives are the minions of the devil. They wish to lead you into dismal sadness and dead work so that they feel better after you saddled them with children. She has no humor and you should ignore her, quit your job, and write for a living. It’s really easy to do.

Dear Dr. Steve,

My mom said I can’t live in her basement anymore. She wants to be able to have friends over without questions like “Is he wearing a half shirt?” and “What’s that smell?” I don’t have a job, I’m trying to make it big as a satirist.

Thanks,

Steve didn’t write this

Dear Didn’t,

Your mom is jealous of your immense inborn creativity. She threw her life away after the tawdry hook up that resulted in you, and wants to start fresh with no reminders of her past indiscretions. You are too young at 40 to be out on your own. Get your bowl of mac ‘n cheese and go bang those keys. The world needs more humor.

And for the last letter of the day:

Dear Dr. Steve,

How did you become so great?

Signed,

Your number one fan

Dear Your,

I was born this way. After the nudists taught me how to survive in the world of man there was no stopping me. Please see my About page for more information on my unique upbringing. There is no one quite like me. Most people are happy about that.