KTVU Apologizes for Being Pathetic

When news reporters are the headlines it’s never good for the media. This reporter is stunned that such shoddy reporting could not only reach all the way to news anchor, not only get unnoticed as reported by the anchor, but also ruin what would have been a great post to be written by myself. Announced on air that pilots names spelled phonetic phrases like “something wrong” and “we too low,” the news cast quickly went viral as a case of good joke turned bad. While the “Not Really News Blog” salutes good joke writing, it stands by its views that such jokes should be left to professionals and, clearly, the story writer crossed trade lines. You don’t see me stealing Jon Stewart’s Jewish material do you? Or writing Shakespeare? Clearly in a case where three people died and 180 were injured the trade standard is give it a few days before joke cracking. Please take you KTVU amateurs, you have standards to uphold in this world. The NTSB (which oversees something and shares overseeing it with the TSA and several other ABC gangs. My research seems to lead to the NTSB as standing for “Not Too Shabby Baby” whatever that means), has stated a “summer intern” confirmed, but did not invent, the names erroneously to the news station. The “intern” feels terrible for having public relations responsibilities for a major government ABC gang type body, it won’t happen again (at least until next summer).

This reporter did contact the Asiana Airlines and was able to conduct a phone interview with one of the airline’s technicians in charge of plane inspection. Wing Bak On stated that the plane was cleared for trans-oceanic flight and was in immaculate condition. “The plane got there. My job was good. Those scratches won’t buff out easily though,” he said through a translator. It is obvious by his directness that there may be some tension within the airline that was not made any easier by the news anchor gaff. KTVU has made it a priority to become more informed in Asian culture and even hired a Chinese native to check the integrity of all Far East stories. It has been announced that the new head of Asian Quality Control Department, Mi No Ly begins her new job on Monday. It’s good to see some positive progress come out of a terrible tragedy.

UPDATE 7/14/13: With more news hitting the airwaves warning that the Asiana may take action over the mistaken release of offensive fake names the above article has been amended to reflect a more racially neutral and less funny stance that is less sue worthy as well. This reporter may be loved but he is poor.

UPDATE: This reporter has decided to stand his ground against the gang of evil lawyers spreading censorship and hate. (He also did the math and realized he doesn’t own enough to be sued for anything anyway.) Stand strong reader(s) the Not Really News Blog is here for you.

AG Holder announces major changes to leak probe guidelines

Eric Holder has announced changes in how the government can charge the sweet, innocent, blameless media (and possibly other people who really don’t matter) in leak probes. We journalist can breathe much easier now knowing the Justice Department can no longer charge reporters for doing their job in releasing all material they can regardless of the outcome. It is our job to keep America informed, buying papers, and making our investors and sponsors happy to give us more money. You may scoff that a “satirist” such as myself could be in danger of government action. To this I say, “If they will tackle the satirist promised land, AKA Fox News, then no one is safe.” This reporter is much relieved that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert were off-season and safe during this time of journalistic oppression, obviously nothing is sacred under this administration. This reporter may be endangering himself with such outspoken tactics but never fear, my faithful reader(s), they can’t steal MY email- you guys never create me any. Besides, all my contacts in the spy business are reached through much more secure methods.

When reached by carrier pigeon, a source- who spoke on the condition of anonymity due to not being authorized to do more than mop bathrooms- told me that FBI leaders are livid that the President would lambast the Bush era Patriot Act and its implications, use them beyond their scope, then limit their scope so severely. “The spooks feel like they’ll have to go back to spying on each other. Last time it got to this point the FBI vs. CIA softball tournaments were ugly. No one left the dugout without a disguise, it was really embarrassing watching a rhinoceros strike out a dogwood tree in the finals that year, not to mention the signals from the third base coach were relayed through satellites. It’s so much nicer when we can keep them busy spying on civilians,” the informant stated through a small flock of pigeons.

Media organizations will now be told if they are being investigated AND reporters cannot be considered co-conspirators for the sake of sneaking around secret search warrant rules for reporting material. I will never have to reveal my source and Jimbob will be fine as long he doesn’t let the pigeon poop pile too high. A reporter’s source is far too valuable in this pigeon-eat-pigeon world of sponsorship dollars, corporate-based media companies, and the reader expectation of a story that will occasionally hold under scrutiny. So for this protection, I say thank you AG Holden, and give a shout out to Bradly Manning and Eddie Snowden, thanks guys for taking the heat so the rest of us can sleep at night, in a nice warm bed, with multiple pillows, and AC in the summer, you guys are great.

Stay strong readers, our government is watching out for us. (Keep your head down Jimbob, your secret is safe with me).