The Zimmerman jury sequestration that wasn’t

Proving sequestering, like a federal filibuster, isn’t what it used to be ,the jurors in the George Zimmerman murder trial were allowed to go bowling and shop at the mall. They were also allowed to go to the Ripley’s Believe It or Not! Museum where they were undoubtedly an exhibit. In a trial that made waves in just about every way possible, from racial tension to racial confusion to the fact that it ever existed at all, the idea that a jury for a reasonably short trial (for its kind) could cost over $30,000 might be the penultimate head scratcher.

This reporter may not be a judicial expert but it seems that sequestering means to “lock away,” not “send out to remake “Ferris Beuller’s Day Off.” A trial of overwhelming media saturation would seem to call for a tightly guarded jury in any state but Florida. This would appear to open the door for a multitude of appeals and potentially threaten Juror B37’s book deal. Now how is that fair to “judiciary capitalism®.” It is mind-boggling, and more than a little comforting, that a juror’s own actions could screw her out of millions for all six pages of her story. But the world will never know what was truly discussed in that jury room- not unless the world wants to stitch the hundreds of interviews, news reports, blog posts, and satirical snobbery that will flow over the next two weeks.

However, thanks to several high profile cases lately, Florida is in the running for most true crime novels, biographies, and (my favorite) unauthorized biographies. In fact, borrowing a punch line for the comic strip “Get Fuzzy,” Florida may soon break the record for the most unauthorized auto-biographies. This reporter isn’t complaining folks, after all this is what keeps him busy, makes him the big bucks, brings in the bacon, lets him forget he isn’t getting paid a dime for this. I can already see that huge ad for Nike or Microsoft, maybe even Wal-Mart, but more than likely- Uncle Bill’s Fried Wiener Bits: The wiener with a crunch. Don’t mock it, everything started somewhere. We’ll get there. TNRNB and Uncle Bill’s may end up being the greatest partnership since Watson and Crick or Gates and Paul Allen or Phil Knight and China. Great things come to those who are in the right place at the right time not those who really put effort into anything, which is why I do almost no fact checking so I can fit in. Stay strong faithful reader(s), maybe you,’ll get an all-expense paid jury duty vacation sometime soon.

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George Zimmerman Juror B37 to Write Book

Well we knew it would happen sooner or later, although this is much sooner than even this whirlwind decade could have expected. One of the jurors from the George Zimmerman murder trial has signed a book deal. Timing is everything, it appears, and she must have needed to beat out George (who seems to be no stranger to getting beat) by signing before his handcuffs were even unlocked. In a country where the legal system has gone from 12 angry men to 6 bored women, this shouldn’t surprise anyone who already knew this was legal. This reporter never gets picked for jury duty and it’s a shame since he has an amazing eye for guilt and was even voted “Wapner Fan of the Year” seventeen times in a row. However, has it occurred to anyone that a juror is hardly unbiased if a bombshell decision could yield lucrative future book deals? Yet once again, this reporter is left waving his hands in the air, screaming “Pick me! Pick me!,” yet left standing there, forgotten, alone, just like on playgrounds of his childhood just like those losers he remembers from his youth.

What your reporter is trying to get at is, capitalism is already king of Congress and the White House, Supreme Court, traffic court, and night court, can we really afford for it to influence our jurors too? And how can I get picked before this is declared illegal? Is there some way to up your chances? Like when you buy multiple Powerball tickets?

George Zimmerman has been such a focal point for this country that any book just covering what his ethnicity actually is would be an instant best seller. Even if the juror is incapable of penning a coherent sentence, the book is destined for greatness. What went on in that room? How did all those excruciating hours (16 hours, big deal, I spent that much time eating in the last two days) weigh on the need to reach a verdict? Is it possible that any of these of women watched Paula Deen’s show?

The fact of the matter is, the trial was fairly short when one considers the scope of it. A controversial law, an unarmed teen whose face was frozen in time at 12, a president who couldn’t resist chiming in, all factors that should have played out over the course of a year’s worth of testimony. Yet it’s done, and juror B37 is now going to have to get very creative to fill more than a tourist pamphlet with solely her observations of the trial. I firmly expect the product to rate Fabio posing for the cover and, if B37 can’t carry a run on sentence in a bucket then this reporter is available as a ghost writer, just to keep the public informed of course.