Breaking News: Major League Baseball to suspend ARod, Braun, and up to 20 others

Update 7/16/13:

The players union has publicly stated that suspensions for any players caught up in the Biogenesis mess will not be executed swiftly. There will also be discussion pertaining to whether players will be named publicly as suspended (since no one will notice Braun or Arod missing anyway). If suspensions go to arbitration it will likely be next season before anyone serves time, further clouding any contract negotiations these cheaters have. When asked for comment Lance Armstrong stated, “I think this can drag out until well after these guys retire.” Stay strong readers it’s only just beginning.

ESPN claims sources have revealed that Commissioner Bud Selig will act on testimony coerced from Biogenesis founder Tony Bosch to suspend players linked to a clinic that was being sued by MLB for “not playing nice™.” Said suit was immediately dropped when Bosch agreed to become MLB’s one and only witness. Biogenesis was rumored to have supplied two baseball’s most prolific hitters with performance enhancing drugs. While neither Braun nor Rodriguez have ever been suspended for PED’s before ARod admitted to using steroids prior to MLB’s ban. Braun, on the other hand, won an appeal of a dirty UA using the old “they-cheated-to-catch-me-cheating-so-it-doesn’t-count©” defense when the UA administrator took the urine sample home before turning it in. Let’s hope this isn’t a “we missed you before but we’ll get you now” revenge scheme due to the first successful MLB appeal in history (please see Bush Jr. vs. Hussein II for more information).

This reporter’s super-secret sources have relayed to him that the players are not rolling over easily. In a join counter attack, players have hired Lance Armstrong to defend their honor and help them delay any punishment for at least another decade.

In other news, the NFL still hasn’t noticed the “13th Man Pharma-Club” in downtown Seattle yet. The phone number is unlisted. Clearly a defensive move….

More details as the story unfolds

In a new article: I have unmasked A-Rod his true identity revealed here in a shocking report: