NSA caught spying on CIA, FBI- Obama demands J. Edgar Hoover take helm

In yet another potential spying failure, the NSA has been caught peeking in on the actions of the other major United States intelligence agencies. Since the Patriot Act, the NSA has enjoyed nearly unfettered freedom to keep tabs on everyone from potential terrorists to political dissidents and from the United Nations to the Associate Press, and, of course, Verizon Wireless users. This latest scandal has prompted Mr. Obama to immediately hold a press conference, giving himself mere weeks to prepare a speech for it, and nominate J. Edgar Hoover as Supreme Intelligence Overlord, Head of Vacuum Cleaner Sales, and Prince of Keeping People Confused About Your Sexuality. Continue reading

United States government announces existence of Area 51

In a remarkable move by an administration known for having the transparency equivalent to an Alex Rodriguez press conference, the US government has announced that famed Area 51… exists. A group of declassified documents acknowledge the existence of part of Edwards Air Force base where rumors claim aliens and remnants of a space craft are housed. This reporter astutely noticed the name of the base and its resemblance to NSA leaker Edward Snowden’s, an unlikely coincidence. This acknowledgement that Area 51 is really a place opens many doors for the government to admit other famous rumors exist as well, like the “Constitution” or the fabled “Bill of Rights.” But, most likely, those will remain classified along with “common sense” and “leadership abilities.” This reporter hopes Continue reading

Legal disclosure that I should have made long ago

Dear Readers,

It has occurred to me that, despite my best intentions to bring the most complete, reliable, transparent news blog on this planet (I’ll conquer the rest later), I’ve failed to be as transparent and upfront as I should be. That’s right, I haven’t published a disclosure of pertinent information that explains any conflicts of interest or outside influences that hold sway on what I publish for you guys to ignore. I’m rectifying that right now, I no longer wish to feel like such an Obama. You will now have all the facts, here goes:  Continue reading

Nordstrom tracked smartphones for shopper habits

In recent shopping news, Nordstrom has admitted to tracking customer’s WiFi signal emanating from their smartphones as they meandered through the store. In a move right out of the Patriot Act, Nordstrom and other stores used the signals to see how customer movements “flowed through the store” in order to “better serve you™.” While no data was taken that could single out any one single shopper, much data in the way different people shop was gathered. The retailer has an interest in whether lighting, layouts, positioning, or any of myriad variables could influence how people spend their time within its walls.

In a rare treat for my faithful reader(s), this reporter was able to gain access to this data through one of his many secret sources (thanks Tom). Now this reporter is no stranger to the land of variables and extrapolation. In college, he did his fair share of extrapolating, and showing it to people. So what I’ve done here is pull out the shoppers who only went into the store for ONE (1) item. Singular. Uno. I them separated them by gender. What is revealed may change the way people view people forever (and then some). It is a stunning difference of how people shop for ONE (1) item. I give you how men shop:

What we see is a quick, efficient, in and out purchase. The entire process only took 35 minutes. The actual purchase part was ten minutes but checking out one’s figure in the bathroom mirror was an additional 25 minutes, give or take the time to actually use the restroom for its intended purpose.

Now we see how women shop for ONE (1) single item:

What we have here is a far different picture (as if the caption didn’t tell you that). Women, on average spend three and a half WEEKS shopping for ONE(1) single item.

In another top secret interview with my source, Tom said that the study showed Nordstrom will have to upgrade in several areas, most of which center around husbands and children of female shoppers (boyfriends are too spineless to say anything so they suffer). Future store renovations will include, a restaurant, sleeping quarters, a small preschool, and a site specific semi-pro football team to quell unrest amongst husbands who figure out that television run on a “loop” display. While none of this may come as a surprise to any man who’s heard the words “let’s run in here for a minute,” it appears to have been news to Big Retail- who’s out of touch with reality anyway. Stay strong reader(s), help is on the way.