In an instance that is sure to cause some heads to be scratched, the index that carries the stocks of tech giants such as Apple, Microsoft, Ebay, Yahoo, and more recently Facebook had to shut down over technology problems. This reporter would like to think it is directly connected to this morning’s announcement that the New York Times had purchased The Not Really News Blog, but the two of you that read it are probably not to blame. While exactly what is going on is uncertain, we here at The Blog are relatively sure that the general public is still being efficiently screwed. This reporter knows of no means, legal or otherwise, that would keep the exchanges from royally sticking it to the common man. So don’t Continue reading
In what is sure to be a shock to everyone who reads it, TNRNB has agreed to sell the entire to blog to the New York Times, as a front-page blog no less, for a record-breaking sum. Calling the acquisition the “most unbiased, hard-hitting, and accurate reporting since the invention of the dart board,” NYT proudly linked to their new property in bold, 14-point font. The Not Really News Blog has crushed the competition lately with stories ranging from the wiretapping of Al-Qaeda to yesterday’s slamming of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un over ski lifts. With the rapid decline of print news, it is no surprise that NYT went out and made this acquisition, “it gave us another reader,” according to an unnamed source deep within NYT headquarters. While the sales price hasn’t been officially announced, it is understood to be a record, reportedly rounding out at Continue reading
With the arrival of the new royal baby, TNRNB decided to look into factors that affect all of us in our climb to the top. After much research, it is clear that the top is far different for all of us. In the United States, there are several factors that keeps the “Land of Opportunity” only opportune for some people and not others. It seems that being born in the South places severe limitations on how far you may rise above your birth station. Undoubtedly, this is a separate phenomenon from the foreign language they speak down there. “Ya’ll need ta know, I’m fixin’ ta cut off the lights,” is far more threatening sounding than it really is, but no one is actually sure what it means. If we are cutting off lights in the South, this reporter is going to look into a “replacing all those lights Southerners cut off” startup. What could possibly go wrong?
The study also found that race was not a deciding factor, across the board, in what keeps a man down. In Atlanta, for example, whites and blacks are equally stuck in poverty when compared to the income of their parents. The places found to have the highest mobility included Pittsburgh, Seattle (take that Seasonal Affect Disorder), and Salt Lake City which shows that man can succeed in any climate, from the desert to “look I’m sprouting gills.” However, there must be some way to predict how well a child will earn income in adulthood. We have powerful tools for looking into these things and this reporter thinks that the people who did this study will soon be opening a “career counseling” center within a fertility clinic complete with birthing stations and a travel agent to move your new child to the place most likely to help them earn enough to get yo into a nice rest home where the staff actually rolls you over to prevent bedsores. This reporter may invest in that clinic, the stock will soar (according to Martha Stewart who always knows these things).
Still feeling that the researchers had a secret motive, your tireless, never giving up, news hound performed his own study to find what the best indicators of future success in the United States were. The results were shocking. You are far, far, far more likely to grow up to be rich and successful if you are born in a mansion than if you are born in a state subsidized housing project (gasp). But why? It seems being born in a mansion gives you more opportunities, like better schools, better healthcare, higher likelihood of a two parent family, and, most importantly, the backing of the Republican National Party. Stay strong faithful reader(s), we will break these barriers.
The sports world is enraged today as news broke of a judging scandal involving 60 individuals within the sport of rhythmic gymnastics. The integrity of all things ribbon has been called into question as individuals in testing rooms across Europe sought to qualify for events they sucked too bad to get into- by cheating on the test. Yes, that’s right. People will stop at nothing to work their way into this prestigious sport. Lying, cheating judges, unqualified to truly score a masterfully executed triple cartwheel, barrel roll into a sitting position- all while maintaining a maximum amount of concentric circles on that ribbon on a stick thingy (Sorry for the technical terminology). These individuals are the judges folks- or would have been. The International Gymnastics Federation, known as F.I.G. (ok they’re gymnasts not accountants, let’s not expect things to be in order) spent MONTHS investigating this case, ferreting out these weasels who would cause havoc amongst our floor exercises. This reporter knows he won’t be able to stomach the 2016 Olympics now. There will always be that lingering doubt… What if one got through? What if Tajurkslambad gets a medal at the cost of the United States because of a cheating judge? What if RG loses its favored status to an upstart, like synchronized swimming? How deep does this corruption go? We can never be sure. And so, there is only one option left to truly honest rhythmists, we need to start all over. That’s right flabbergasted reader(s), we need a whole new judging body. And that’s where your reporter is already working for you.
After much discussion with F.I.G., an agreement was reached that your tireless newshound would retrain judges and supply them (for a modest fee) to all major events up to and including the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Olympic Games (cue subtle theme music). The new judging body: Judges Expressing Reliable Knowledge Soundlessly (because all judges should be seen not heard) or J.E.R.K.S., will be the finest gymnastic critiquers of their kind. They WILL know the difference between a planned flip and an “incidental stubbed toe then trip and fly through the air while recovering nicely and making look intentional™.” (My wife invented that last one). Now folks the plan here is help a wayward sport regain its integrity. My judges will be honored as the finest judges in the world and it will be common to hear such phrases as “Nice call J.E.R.K.S.” or “Nailed that one J.E.R.K.S.” Such regularity and confidence in judging will once again have rhythmic gymnastics back amongst the leaders in trustworthiness like baseball and cycling. Stay strong reader(s) and keep your eye out for J.E.R.K.S. on a floor exercise near you.
In recent shopping news, Nordstrom has admitted to tracking customer’s WiFi signal emanating from their smartphones as they meandered through the store. In a move right out of the Patriot Act, Nordstrom and other stores used the signals to see how customer movements “flowed through the store” in order to “better serve you™.” While no data was taken that could single out any one single shopper, much data in the way different people shop was gathered. The retailer has an interest in whether lighting, layouts, positioning, or any of myriad variables could influence how people spend their time within its walls.
In a rare treat for my faithful reader(s), this reporter was able to gain access to this data through one of his many secret sources (thanks Tom). Now this reporter is no stranger to the land of variables and extrapolation. In college, he did his fair share of extrapolating, and showing it to people. So what I’ve done here is pull out the shoppers who only went into the store for ONE (1) item. Singular. Uno. I them separated them by gender. What is revealed may change the way people view people forever (and then some). It is a stunning difference of how people shop for ONE (1) item. I give you how men shop:
What we see is a quick, efficient, in and out purchase. The entire process only took 35 minutes. The actual purchase part was ten minutes but checking out one’s figure in the bathroom mirror was an additional 25 minutes, give or take the time to actually use the restroom for its intended purpose.
Now we see how women shop for ONE (1) single item:
What we have here is a far different picture (as if the caption didn’t tell you that). Women, on average spend three and a half WEEKS shopping for ONE(1) single item.
In another top secret interview with my source, Tom said that the study showed Nordstrom will have to upgrade in several areas, most of which center around husbands and children of female shoppers (boyfriends are too spineless to say anything so they suffer). Future store renovations will include, a restaurant, sleeping quarters, a small preschool, and a site specific semi-pro football team to quell unrest amongst husbands who figure out that television run on a “loop” display. While none of this may come as a surprise to any man who’s heard the words “let’s run in here for a minute,” it appears to have been news to Big Retail- who’s out of touch with reality anyway. Stay strong reader(s), help is on the way.