Health – never date an angry midget (dictator)

North Korea has reportedly executed Kim Jong-Un’s ex-girlfriend, by firing squad no less. No one ever said dating the creepy dictator of a third (going on fourth) world country was easy, but the staff here at The Blog finds this to border on the extreme. After some reflecting, we felt that it may be necessary to cover a few dating tips to avoid things like this happening to any of our faithful (or even unfaithful, cheating, sneaking around on us) readers. It’s a rough world out there and no one knows that better than those of us considered leaders of the media. We see and hear things that would send the toughest Boy Scout to a corner, cringing and drooling. We believe that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of… of… of something Continue reading

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The Not Really News Blog sold to New York Times for record-breaking price

In what is sure to be a shock to everyone who reads it, TNRNB has agreed to sell the entire to blog to the New York Times, as a front-page blog no less, for a record-breaking sum. Calling the acquisition the “most unbiased, hard-hitting, and accurate reporting since the invention of the dart board,” NYT proudly linked to their new property in bold, 14-point font. The Not Really News Blog has crushed the competition lately with stories ranging from the wiretapping of Al-Qaeda to yesterday’s slamming of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un over ski lifts. With the rapid decline of print news, it is no surprise that NYT went out and made this acquisition, “it gave us another reader,” according to an unnamed source deep within NYT headquarters. While the sales price hasn’t been officially announced, it is understood to be a record, reportedly rounding out at Continue reading

Swiss ban sales of ski lifts to North Korea, Kim Jong-Un stamps his foot

The Swiss government has declared that ski lifts qualify as luxury items and therefore are banned by U.N. sanctions. Kim Jong-Un wished to acquire the lifts to add to a posh resort meant for all four of the people in entire poverty stricken country who are allowed to enjoy fancy things like skiing, yachts, cars, education, food, and clean water. The other 23 million can pound rocks, and apparently make soup out of them. The United Nations, in typical “do something that amounts to nothing” fashion passed a sanction in 2006 banning the sale of fancy goods to the standoffish nation. However, it didn’t bother so say what those items might actually be, leaving it up to each nation to make that decision. (Which is why the U.S. sends them nothing as House Republicans declared any form of help entitlements and thereby making them a luxury.)The pint sized dictator of doom swore Continue reading

North Korean ship carrying hidden ‘missile equipment’ detained after leaving Cuba

The world is stunned as a ship was stopped in the Panama Canal on suspicion of carrying drugs, only to yield weapons of crass destruction hidden inside containers of brown sugar. The North Korean cargo ship Chong Chon Gang (yes that’s its real name) was detained After officials boarded it for inspection on Monday. Officials have said the captain had to be restrained as he attempted to commit suicide on the instant that the hidden cargo was found. An anonymous intern at KTVU- San Francisco verified that the ship’s captain’s name was Mi Haf Bang and was a general cargo ship owned by the Chongchongang Shipping Co. This reporter finds it suspicious that the ship’s name and parent company are the same but he would never question the fact checking of such an esteemed media outlet.

While it is unclear what the exact intention of the shipment was, it was clearly a surface-to-air missile system that would qualify for antique license plates in the US. Some defense analysts doubt the system could even function which spawned the theory that it may be headed for an overhaul at one of North Korea’s state-of-the-art (I can’t even type that with a straight face) facilities, complete with Model A ford transport capability. Under this hypothesis, the sugar could have been payment for the work being done, and Model A’s don’t come cheap. After a thorough refurbishing, the system would have been shipped back, undoubtedly hidden in a cargo of old Elvis Presley LPs. The second hypothesis is that North Korea was shopping for more weapons that would blend in with their present systems that were designed with Tutti Frutti playing in the background.

All 35 members of the ship’s crew are being held and the cargo violates at least 3 U.N. sanctions. Such violations will most likely anger the U.N. Councilmembers and spark a “We really mean it this time™” rebuke. Honestly reader(s), this reporter has his doubts that the U.N. will act at all. North Korea has stirred unrest on the Korean Peninsula through multiple missile tests, posturing, name calling, and covert unleashing of PSY on the Western World under the guise of him being South Korean. The medical bills your tireless newshound incurred during the last 365 days (Happy anniversary by the way)of Gangnam Style is a war crime in itself. Let us all hope that council surprises us with some sanctions. Like banning those haircuts the Korean dictators all favor, those are just creepy. Stay strong faithful reader(s), those in power will keep us safe and we shall never have to worry about a third world country under the sway of a crazy dictator bringing weapons into the Western Hemisphere.