New Handheld Device can Turn off Pain for Surgeons

Well fearless reader(s) your tireless newshound has become tireless again. TNRNB hopes that we haven’t lost too many readers during our absence (one is too many since that’s all we had to begin with) but things got hectic (I got a job) and adjustments needed to be made. Fear not, however, your comma abusing reporter and his bevy of covert carrier pigeons have returned to bring you the cutting edge of news you never cared about before (and probably still don’t) In our triumphant return to glory we bring you a story that can’t possibly go wrong.
Science has breached new barriers with this powerful new tool in pain management. No more do we have to worry about doctors implanting some kind of scary computers onto the wrong nerve (besides the obvious part about doctors implanting things into us to begin with), this handy little monster can find just the right nerve for proper pain killing. We here at TNRNB find this to be a huge relief as before this Orwellian beast was invented only a handful of surgeons were capable of performing such a surgery, but now anyone will be able to do it- such as your primary care provider, a LPN, or your local neighborhood ice cream truck driver (no more headaches!!!). The possibilities are endless (and probably not covered under Obamacare).
Your reporter feels that he should share in a cut of the profits due to the fact that he most likely inspired the quest to turn off pain, after all, he’s been able to turn off his wife for years (without invasive surgery). Any proceeds from this device without royalty payments to yours truly will be a true demonstration of the kind of corporate greed that formed me to actually get a job to begin with. We’ll be keeping a close eye on developments and talk with our attorney if need be- if he’s still alive.
Stay strong fearless reader(s), we’re back and better than ever (not hard to do). It’s election time and the candidates alone should provide plenty of material for everyone’s favorite news reporter.