AG Holder announces major changes to leak probe guidelines

Eric Holder has announced changes in how the government can charge the sweet, innocent, blameless media (and possibly other people who really don’t matter) in leak probes. We journalist can breathe much easier now knowing the Justice Department can no longer charge reporters for doing their job in releasing all material they can regardless of the outcome. It is our job to keep America informed, buying papers, and making our investors and sponsors happy to give us more money. You may scoff that a “satirist” such as myself could be in danger of government action. To this I say, “If they will tackle the satirist promised land, AKA Fox News, then no one is safe.” This reporter is much relieved that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert were off-season and safe during this time of journalistic oppression, obviously nothing is sacred under this administration. This reporter may be endangering himself with such outspoken tactics but never fear, my faithful reader(s), they can’t steal MY email- you guys never create me any. Besides, all my contacts in the spy business are reached through much more secure methods.

When reached by carrier pigeon, a source- who spoke on the condition of anonymity due to not being authorized to do more than mop bathrooms- told me that FBI leaders are livid that the President would lambast the Bush era Patriot Act and its implications, use them beyond their scope, then limit their scope so severely. “The spooks feel like they’ll have to go back to spying on each other. Last time it got to this point the FBI vs. CIA softball tournaments were ugly. No one left the dugout without a disguise, it was really embarrassing watching a rhinoceros strike out a dogwood tree in the finals that year, not to mention the signals from the third base coach were relayed through satellites. It’s so much nicer when we can keep them busy spying on civilians,” the informant stated through a small flock of pigeons.

Media organizations will now be told if they are being investigated AND reporters cannot be considered co-conspirators for the sake of sneaking around secret search warrant rules for reporting material. I will never have to reveal my source and Jimbob will be fine as long he doesn’t let the pigeon poop pile too high. A reporter’s source is far too valuable in this pigeon-eat-pigeon world of sponsorship dollars, corporate-based media companies, and the reader expectation of a story that will occasionally hold under scrutiny. So for this protection, I say thank you AG Holden, and give a shout out to Bradly Manning and Eddie Snowden, thanks guys for taking the heat so the rest of us can sleep at night, in a nice warm bed, with multiple pillows, and AC in the summer, you guys are great.

Stay strong readers, our government is watching out for us. (Keep your head down Jimbob, your secret is safe with me).

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The Great Washington Coal Train Controversy (Part 1)

It has become clear that much of Washington is wrapped up in coal train controversy on one side or the other. It is also clear that both sides have become content with just repeating themselves, interjecting little argument of substance into the mix. In order to stop this “will too, will not horseplay™” once and for all, your untiring reporter undertook a study into a situation so convoluted that even the Army Corps of Engineers crawled away from it. The results are shocking, far-reaching, and leave no room for further argument. Clearly, coal is the biggest threat to humanity since the invention of the media. And so, without further delay, from east to west, here are the results of the most in-depth study on the effects coal trains will have on our beautiful state given over a two day span for extra opportunities for our advertisers- I mean to spare no details.

And now, a 35 minute word from our sponsors. (Oops, wrong format).

Coal trains are a threat to the nearly extinct two-headed three-finned albino trout (also known as the Manhattan trout) that occupy the cooling ponds of Hanford Nuclear Reservation. Numbers of this fish are already dwindling as rising radiation levels are increasing the likelihood of sterilization, coal dust could make the ponds completely uninhabitable. This fish is fighting long odds already folks, it can’t afford us to add insult to injury. When reached for comment, Washington’s only ‘Glow-in-the-Dark-Pumpkin®” farmer, John Radonowski stated, ” This better not mess with my pumpkins.” I believe he’s serious.

Coal dust could land on the crops of the primitive people who occupy those seemingly barren lands between the Tri-Cities and Yakima. At first, it seems strange that we could interrupt major trade route potential for all of those ten people but you have to realize that these people supply nearly all of the legumes, cherries, and apples for the entire planet. This reporter still isn’t sure what a legume actually is but it sounds important. Coal dust landing on the leaves of these crops could disrupt vital resources from absorbing into the plants, such as sunlight and pesticides. Blockage of pesticide function could cause havoc with the ecosystem, giving mutant spiders from Hanford a foothold in places farther west and denying certain cities in Oregon from holding “bee memorials.” Ironically, the trains would follow the Gorge after entering the state in Spokane so at least the farmers in the upper two-thirds of the state will be able to blast away at will. Member of the Yakima Indian Tribe, William Wonkatonka, operates an espresso stand just outside of Bingen (where the hell is Bingen?) and has no concern about coal trains affecting his business. “Coal dust is black, coffee is black, no problem,” he stated, “if it gets too bad I can always move, maybe make candy or toy trucks for a living instead.”

Join us tomorrow as our little coal train that could breaks the Cascade barrier and journeys through the wetlands.