Breaking news: Humor blogs are actually supposed to be funny- Customer appreciation post

Here at TNRNB, we strive to bring you the most cutting edge and honest reporting to be found anywhere on the Internet. We also try to do it in a way that brings a smile to the face of our reader(s) because, well, it drives up the word count faster so we can get back to the really important things, like Candy Crush (note: this reporter does not play Candy Crush or any other Facebook spawned games- although that Jurassic Park one is weakening my resolve). Over the weekend, our staff took time to look deeply into the direction our posts were taking (okay, I went Continue reading

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Men’s Health- Survival

While there are many articles out there telling men what they need to do to stay fit and tone those triceps, there are few that really touch on the second most important topic in a man’s life- survival. The Not Really News Blog won’t waste your time with another blah blah blah article on building the perfect quads. TNRNB wants you to live, read articles, and be happy. The first two we can help you with. The third is impossible. Happiness is for wild animals, they don’t have anything important to worry about, besides Republicans. So without further delay, 10 tips for men’s survival:

  1. Drink from the jug. This is important. Drinking from the jug is territory marking. We can’t waste precious resources by sharing. We want to survive. If you can’t pee on it then drink out of it.
  2. Don’t have a family. Another huge mistake men make is getting married and having kids. There is no better way to die young than to sacrifice all your hard work- even for a cute little defenseless baby.
  3. Don’t play with babies. Babies are germ party houses. They sit around covered from end to end in slime. Whether they are sitting poo or drenched in drool, they are festering sites of disease waiting to happen.
  4. Eat what you want. All these new fad diets require you to not eat something and eat less of everything. How does that even make sense? What you don’t eat, someone else will, then it’s gone forever. The key to survival is waste nothing.
  5. Waste nothing. Never throw anything away. The odds are tremendous that you will need something someday that chucked out with the trash. Since there is no way of knowing what that is, keep everything. Bases covered. Some things can also be repurposed. Forks can be made into back scratchers, for instance.
  6. Don’t let women buy your clothes. Women buy clothes so that they can parade you around like a trained monkey. While monkeys qualify for happiness under the Wild Animal Happiness Act™ mentioned above, trained monkeys aren’t wild any more so they are required to be miserable as well. Buy your own clothes. And buy manly, warm ones that don’t sag.
  7. Don’t own trained monkeys. If too many trained monkeys are out there, women may stop making men altogether. That would be a real threat to survival.
  8. Don’t wash dishes. Men get water everywhere when they wash dishes, it’s part of the fun. However, those puddles of fun are serious slipping hazards and if you brain yourself on the counter and die in a pool of your own blood, you won’t be surviving very well
  9. Keep your blood on the inside of your body. TNRNB cannot stress enough how important this is. If you don’t follow any the other tips, follow this one. It works without being part of an entire fitness program.
  10. Buy paper plates. Paper plates avoid the issues of #8 which could lead to failure of #9. Once used, they can be burned for heat, which keeps you from getting cold.

There you have it men, survival is easy if you follow these ten simple tricks. Stay strong, and don’t bleed.

Ask Dr. Steve- an advice column, for people who need advice

7/14/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

I am a wannabe satirist. My wife says I’m not funny. What do I do?

Sincerely,

This isn’t really Steve

Dear This,

Wives are the minions of the devil. They wish to lead you into dismal sadness and dead work so that they feel better after you saddled them with children. She has no humor and you should ignore her, quit your job, and write for a living. It’s really easy to do.

Dear Dr. Steve,

My mom said I can’t live in her basement anymore. She wants to be able to have friends over without questions like “Is he wearing a half shirt?” and “What’s that smell?” I don’t have a job, I’m trying to make it big as a satirist.

Thanks,

Steve didn’t write this

Dear Didn’t,

Your mom is jealous of your immense inborn creativity. She threw her life away after the tawdry hook up that resulted in you, and wants to start fresh with no reminders of her past indiscretions. You are too young at 40 to be out on your own. Get your bowl of mac ‘n cheese and go bang those keys. The world needs more humor.

And for the last letter of the day:

Dear Dr. Steve,

How did you become so great?

Signed,

Your number one fan

Dear Your,

I was born this way. After the nudists taught me how to survive in the world of man there was no stopping me. Please see my About page for more information on my unique upbringing. There is no one quite like me. Most people are happy about that.