Market Watch: Stocks Poised to Make Historic Run

courtesy of

courtesy of

Fearless reader(s), the market is set to make the run of lifetime on the news of website Ashley Madison’s hacking. Your tireless newshound has scoured the markets to see how TNRNB’s reader(s)-this one’s for you Jim- can profit from the turmoil sure to be caused by the imminent release of the names, pictures, and account info of 37 million cheating weasels (unless you’re one of the cheating weasels, in which case we say, thanks for the millions we’re about to make). While many may argue that the site deserves what gets just weeks before its Initial Public Offering was to be initially offered, The Not Really News staff believes the site was merely capitalizing on a market created by people who were going to cheat anyway (just as we are about to capitalize on them). The coming days of uncertainty should result in elevated sales of common over the counter items manufactured by publicly owned companies.

Johnson & Johnson ($JNJ), maker of Rolaids, will most likely set record profits as nerve wracked adulterers seek to sooth their roiling stomachs. Proctor & Gamble ($PG), owner of the Pepto-Bismol brand should see movement for all the same reasons.

Unilever ($UN), maker of Degree deodorant, should also see increased units flying off the shelves as cheaters battle to save the pits of their collective shirts.

For longer term investors, GlaxoSmithKline ($GSK), makers of Polident denture adhesive, should see a steady rise as the wives of some 18.5 million cheating husbands perform some home tooth extraction upon their straying spouses.

TNRNB has received no compensation for this article from any company named within this article (nor any compensation from anyone really… ever). The afore mention forward looking statements are exactly that and buyers should complete their own due diligence research before listening to a guy who couldn’t hit a winning stock if it was donated to him. TNRNB will not be held liable for any losses (probably won’t get a tip for any gains either) nor for any injuries caused by inspiration in the forecasts above.

On a side note, any divorce lawyers looking for advertising space, please contact us in the comments below. I’m sure we can make room to help reach the tidal wave of clients about to head your way (for a price, this is a financial article you know).

Stay strong fearless readers, economic recovery is on the way.

One further bit of financial advice from the guru’s at TNRNB, if you’re about to be exposed, you may want to limit your portfolio until after the divorce….

Stories of Impending PNW Earthquake are Actually an Attack on TNRNB


found in a Google search

found in a Google search

By now you’ve all heard about the earthquake which will someday destroy the Pacific Northwest in a cataclysmic event known as “The Great Shake” (as opposed to the “Little Wiggle” I guess). However, further investigation into this “potential 9.0+ magnitude” tremblor reveals that things are not as they appear (like Donald Trump’s hair). In an undercover operation worthy of Hollywood, Chris the carrier pigeon exposed this “crisis” for what it really is. Yes, fearless reader(s)- or Jim from Nantucket- this dastardly diatribe of deadly devastation is nothing more than a sneaky attempt by this reporter’s wife to con him into cleaning out the garage. Hard to believe, isn’t it Jim?

This reporter’s wife has long complained that his prized possessions are overloading the shelves and could cause bodily harm to the unwary. While it cannot be disputed that this menagerie of man stuff is extensive, one may argue that the seventeen totes of Christmas decorations border on excessive as well. And we won’t even go into the closets full of knickknacks and “air freshening devices” that could turn to shrapnel and/or a toxic cloud of “freshly laundered linen” and “spring bouquet in the rain” (which, coincidently, translates to “dandelions in a downpour” around here). While the wife’s actions may seem to be out of desperation, the consequences may be far reaching. This reporter has gathered some snippets from the latest crop of presidential wannabes about their thoughts on this regional false alarm.

Donald Trump- “I prefer false alarms that haven’t been caught.”

Jeb Bush- “I can’t believe anybody would lie about a threat to human lives just to further a personal agenda.”

Hillary Clinton- “Did anybody die? This is a woman in distress. Our jails are already overcrowded.”

Bernie Sanders- “It’s about time somebody brought emergency preparedness into the public eye. I’ve been talking about this since 1832.”

So the major players seems split on how to handle this geological gesture of garage gamesmanship, which should come as a surprise to no one. However, the much larger issue here is: time spent doing chores or earning a living is time snatched away from news reporting. Clearly this woman must be controlled. At any time, a major scoop could break and end up on a mock news site such as Fox or ESPN. Journalists with integrity must be free to report at all hours of the day- or night (as long as it’s not past eleven, I’m old). Help expose this fraudulent farce, share the post, leave a comment, tattoo a pigeon on your left arm- whatever you can do to raise real awareness about the real issues.

Ask Dr. Steve- since no one else will help you 7/18/15

Dear Dr. Steve,

Lately, no matter what I do, I lose weight. This sounds trivial to most people, I know, but I’m really concerned that I may have a real health issue that’s causing it. My regular doctor says to wait and see if it stops since some weight fluctuation is normal. What should I do?


Clothes don’t fit

Dear Clothes,

Mine don’t fit either, you can have mine. I’ll try to leave a little fat in them to hold you over until your “regular” doctor gets it figured out. Until then, I’ll be in the corner, beating my head against the wall.


Dear Dr. Steve,

I’m so glad you’re back. I’m wondering if you could help me move to the United States. In my country everything is too annoying. I can’t stand anyone around me anymore. I just want to move to a place of hope and promise.



Want to move

Dear Wannabe,

It sounds like you already live here.


Dear Dr. Steve,

What is the best way to change up a relationship? I mean, her and I have always been together but lately I feel like I don’t need to be so serious. How can I tell her I just want to be friends, but with benefits? I need to do it right, I can’t break my Mom’s heart.

Please help,

Trying to do the right thing

Dear Thing,

I’m, uh, glad to hear that you, err, want to do this, ah, right. Always remember, um…. A mother’s love is unconditional


Gotta go fearless reader(s), that last one was brutal. Stay strong!!!

No Intelligent Life Found on Pluto

As the New Horizon spacecraft continues to send back stunning images of the planet/not-planet/there-goes-my-childhood world of Pluto, scientists have decided there is no evidence of intelligent life on the frozen world. Aside from a heart (or Mickey Mouse) shaped formation, Pluto is barren of anything else Disney would plunder for a movie. While this news is disheartening for many who wished to find a respite from the unintelligent life we have here, one particular group is ecstatic about the news.

Politicians from both sides of the aisle are flocking to annex the dwarf planet as our 51st state, leapfrogging longtime applicants Puerto Rico, Guam, and Canada. Presidential hopefuls took to the airwaves announcing their support for any unintelligent voters the world may support. Yes fearless reader(s), your dedicated one-man news agency managed to cover all political press conferences at once and gleaned some snippets on the candidate’s opinions.

Donald Trump: As long as they’ve never been captured, they may worship me.

Jeb Bush: I’d never give arms to them. How many legs do they have though? Might be able to work something out there…

Hillary Clinton: They need a hand up. Let us share our national wealth and surplus with these less fortunate Plutonians. In return they may want to share their votes with me….

Bernie Sanders: Can we get them jobs? Do they belong to a union? There’s just so much we need to know.

Such a move is bound to be contested by our closest allies. In fact, TNRNB has contacted some sources who wish to remain anonymous due to the sensitive nature of them getting fired. Your number one news source always comes through.

Germany: This is an outrage and shameless land grab. Such a move would extend the U.S. sovereign rights to the entire solar system.

France: We will resist any attempts by the U.S. to lay claim to an entire planet. As long as we don’t actually have to anything besides talk about it

Canada: eh?

Iran: Did somebody say Plutonium???

That’s all for now fearless reader(s), stay strong as your tireless newshound scours the airwaves for more stories you won’t read anyway.

Classifieds 7/18/15

For sale:

One hand sized antique rock. The plain grey surface has weathered beautifully to create a smooth surface. The overall shape reminds me of an egg. It is of high quality craftsmanship, they don’t make them like this anymore. Get it before my bratty neighbor kid throws it through my recently replaced living room window. $5 (234) 234-2345


The reason I got out of bed this morning. If found please return to Cleveland Browns fan club headquarters.


An empty field for my wife to park in. My truck, the garbage can, the neighbor kids, the cat, and the garage door can take no more. Price depends on emptiness. Any shrub or tree is a threat. (576) 789-2356

Want to buy:

Struggling writer searching for a cabin in the mountains. No money but could offer a deal on future royalties. Must have no distractions. Total peace is must. Cabin should have internet access, satellite TV, a hot tub, wet bar, and a microwave. Hot lonely neighbor chick is a plus. (340) 347-3458

Male seeking female:

Tall, dark, handsome billionaire ISO SWF, 38-28-36, blonde, lingerie model to share majestic nights on the French Riviera, must enjoy fine wine, gourmet food, and be dumb enough to believe this ad. #34589

New Handheld Device can Turn off Pain for Surgeons

Well fearless reader(s) your tireless newshound has become tireless again. TNRNB hopes that we haven’t lost too many readers during our absence (one is too many since that’s all we had to begin with) but things got hectic (I got a job) and adjustments needed to be made. Fear not, however, your comma abusing reporter and his bevy of covert carrier pigeons have returned to bring you the cutting edge of news you never cared about before (and probably still don’t) In our triumphant return to glory we bring you a story that can’t possibly go wrong.
Science has breached new barriers with this powerful new tool in pain management. No more do we have to worry about doctors implanting some kind of scary computers onto the wrong nerve (besides the obvious part about doctors implanting things into us to begin with), this handy little monster can find just the right nerve for proper pain killing. We here at TNRNB find this to be a huge relief as before this Orwellian beast was invented only a handful of surgeons were capable of performing such a surgery, but now anyone will be able to do it- such as your primary care provider, a LPN, or your local neighborhood ice cream truck driver (no more headaches!!!). The possibilities are endless (and probably not covered under Obamacare).
Your reporter feels that he should share in a cut of the profits due to the fact that he most likely inspired the quest to turn off pain, after all, he’s been able to turn off his wife for years (without invasive surgery). Any proceeds from this device without royalty payments to yours truly will be a true demonstration of the kind of corporate greed that formed me to actually get a job to begin with. We’ll be keeping a close eye on developments and talk with our attorney if need be- if he’s still alive.
Stay strong fearless reader(s), we’re back and better than ever (not hard to do). It’s election time and the candidates alone should provide plenty of material for everyone’s favorite news reporter.

What the government shutdown really means to commoners

As we are now into the first full day of the shutdown, a summary of services still offered is needed. Many government websites are down, and the rightfully worried citizens of the U.S. are flocking to the Internet and searching for the latest news. Here at TNRNB, we thought we should get a piece of that (meaning provide a helpful service, we don’t worry about traffic here (okay, there isn’t any)). In order to enlighten our reader (we believe his name is Tom from Wisconsin), we did all the scouring needed to be done (and made up everything else). So here you are Tom (if that’s who you really are), services you probably don’t need anyway. Continue reading

A behind the scenes look at the government shutdown

As the inspiration for all of Ignorami-kind flex their collective wings, 800,000 people are out of work. A government shutdown became unavoidable as Senate Democrats and House Republicans once again prove that ideology is far more important than doing their job. Fundamentalist politics are the only thing to rule from Washington, D.C. today though, and we here at The Blog have secured the transcripts of a little known conversation between Senate kingpin Harry Reid (D-Nevada) and House thug John Boehner just minutes before they failed our poor, poor, leaderless country. At first it seemed that these two sides could Continue reading

Latest re-occurring crisis: US Government will shut down in eight days if no deal is reached

In a surprise to no one who has had a heartbeat in the last several years, the federal government is again at crossroads over the budget. Again we see the usual threats of a government shut down if there is no money to pay the bills- leading to a sure default on the money we owe to people who hate us. It seems the problem lies between the parties being at opposite ends of the spectrum on nearly everything. House Republicans insist that any budget deal come with the repeal of Obamacare- for the 43rd time. Senate Democrats, on the other hand, wish to cure the American people of the various social ills such as working for a living and eradicating rich people- excepting Continue reading

Ask Dr. Steve- because if he doesn’t know the answer, there isn’t one 9/20/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

It has come to my attention that you are far too obsessed with yourself and that you lack the qualifications necessary to run an advice column such as this. How on Earth do you expect people to fix their problems with the mindless drivel you produce? Good grief, you actually interviewed a pigeon, and you call yourself a doctor? I think it’s time you face reality and admit that you really should stick to making coffee.


Stop what you are doing  Continue reading

ATNRNB Interview Exclusive- Chris the Carrier Pigeon

Sorry for my gap in reporting, faithful reader(s), but these days it’s tough to find anything in the news that isn’t Syria, a mass shooting, or similar topic not fit for a humorous spin. However, three days without a post is record here and the staff was getting restless. As I glanced around the news/living room, I realized that it was time to pay some attention to one of our unsung heroes. An employee who truly flies in the face of danger. A master of working behind enemy lines, getting in, and back out with minimal disturbance- minus that one load of birdshot. Continue reading

Ask Dr. Steve- answers you never expected 9/13/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

The job market is terrible, I’m starving, my kids hate me and my XBOX just died. What should I do?


Lost in America

Dear Lost,

The passing of your XBOX is something you’ll never recover from if you don’t act now. Continue reading

Six-clawed mutant lobster caught in Maine- the real story

Lobstermen in Maine are in awe of the now-viral lobster caught last week off the coast of Massachusetts. The oddity is reported to have one monster claw on one side of its body and a joint that sprouted five small appendages on the other. There is no word on its ability to thumb wrestle. The lobster was spared from the boiling kettle of doom and donated to the Maine State Aquarium where it will go on display with other freaks of nature such a bi-colored lobster and a Democrat that prefers to work. Continue reading

Scientists announce discovery of slipperiest substance known to man

Researchers from the University of Nowhere You’ve Ever Heard Of have announced they have broken the recorded, previously held by hagfish, for the slipperiest substance known. The paper, published in this week’s edition of The Banana Peel- a non-peer reviewed journal usually read by apes and men in the waiting rooms of gynecologists- stated that their discovery will revolutionize several industries and make the discovers very rich. Scientists had been aware of the existence of the slippery stuff prior to the paper but had never been able to get a record of it to stand up to the scrutiny level of the slippery substance community which is known as a level Simga-3.23145767552 or “Holy Shit, that’s close.” Continue reading

Ask Dr. Steve- because it’s cheaper 9/6/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

I recently answered an online ad for a photographer that needed a model. I’d never done nude modeling before and it was quite a shock. After he unchained me, removed all those clamps and the hood, he said he would let me know when the proofs are ready. Today my Dad asks me if I’d sold some pics to porn sites. I’m horrified. I can’t even begin to express the outrage burning through me right now. I guess you can’t trust people anymore. I’m totally creeped out my dad surfs porn. I’m 21 and moving out now, I just can’t be around him. How do you recommend I handle this? I don’t know where to begin.


My Dad is a perv  Continue reading