In what is sure to be a shock to anyone who has ever has ever wondered if the US government is honest with its citizens, the answer is most likely… no. In yet another homeland spying revelation, it has been revealed that, “a secretive U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration unit is funneling information from intelligence intercepts, wiretaps, informants and a massive database of telephone records to authorities across the nation to help them launch criminal investigations of Americans.” There is no doubt that such a program could protect countless lives through stopping crime before it’s committed, however, where do we, as American citizens, draw the line on this widespread spying? Furthermore, if the article is correct about agents lying to judges and other law enforcement, it undermines any chance of our government being held accountable by anyone. More and more this reporter is becoming grateful that no one ever reads anything he writes, being ignored is safety in these Orwellian times. The DEA created within itself a super-secret club known as SOD, which is clearly a nod to the trend setting, always controversial 80s spin-off band Stormtroopers of Death. Continue reading
The sports world is enraged today as news broke of a judging scandal involving 60 individuals within the sport of rhythmic gymnastics. The integrity of all things ribbon has been called into question as individuals in testing rooms across Europe sought to qualify for events they sucked too bad to get into- by cheating on the test. Yes, that’s right. People will stop at nothing to work their way into this prestigious sport. Lying, cheating judges, unqualified to truly score a masterfully executed triple cartwheel, barrel roll into a sitting position- all while maintaining a maximum amount of concentric circles on that ribbon on a stick thingy (Sorry for the technical terminology). These individuals are the judges folks- or would have been. The International Gymnastics Federation, known as F.I.G. (ok they’re gymnasts not accountants, let’s not expect things to be in order) spent MONTHS investigating this case, ferreting out these weasels who would cause havoc amongst our floor exercises. This reporter knows he won’t be able to stomach the 2016 Olympics now. There will always be that lingering doubt… What if one got through? What if Tajurkslambad gets a medal at the cost of the United States because of a cheating judge? What if RG loses its favored status to an upstart, like synchronized swimming? How deep does this corruption go? We can never be sure. And so, there is only one option left to truly honest rhythmists, we need to start all over. That’s right flabbergasted reader(s), we need a whole new judging body. And that’s where your reporter is already working for you.
After much discussion with F.I.G., an agreement was reached that your tireless newshound would retrain judges and supply them (for a modest fee) to all major events up to and including the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Olympic Games (cue subtle theme music). The new judging body: Judges Expressing Reliable Knowledge Soundlessly (because all judges should be seen not heard) or J.E.R.K.S., will be the finest gymnastic critiquers of their kind. They WILL know the difference between a planned flip and an “incidental stubbed toe then trip and fly through the air while recovering nicely and making look intentional™.” (My wife invented that last one). Now folks the plan here is help a wayward sport regain its integrity. My judges will be honored as the finest judges in the world and it will be common to hear such phrases as “Nice call J.E.R.K.S.” or “Nailed that one J.E.R.K.S.” Such regularity and confidence in judging will once again have rhythmic gymnastics back amongst the leaders in trustworthiness like baseball and cycling. Stay strong reader(s) and keep your eye out for J.E.R.K.S. on a floor exercise near you.