Where you grow up can hurt how far you rise- future income dictated by birth

With the arrival of the new royal baby, TNRNB decided to look into factors that affect all of us in our climb to the top. After much research, it is clear that the top is far different for all of us. In the United States, there are several factors that keeps the “Land of Opportunity” only opportune for some people and not others. It seems that being born in the South places severe limitations on how far you may rise above your birth station. Undoubtedly, this is a separate phenomenon from the foreign language they speak down there. “Ya’ll need ta know, I’m fixin’ ta cut off the lights,” is far more threatening sounding than it really is, but no one is actually sure what it means. If we are cutting off lights in the South, this reporter is going to look into a “replacing all those lights Southerners cut off” startup. What could possibly go wrong?

The study also found that race was not a deciding factor, across the board, in what keeps a man down. In Atlanta, for example, whites and blacks are equally stuck in poverty when compared to the income of their parents. The places found to have the highest mobility included Pittsburgh, Seattle (take that Seasonal Affect Disorder), and Salt Lake City which shows that man can succeed in any climate, from the desert to “look I’m sprouting gills.” However, there must be some way to predict how well a child will earn income in adulthood. We have powerful tools for looking into these things and this reporter thinks that the people who did this study will soon be opening a “career counseling” center within a fertility clinic complete with birthing stations and a travel agent to move your new child to the place most likely to help them earn enough to get yo into a nice rest home where the staff actually rolls you over to prevent bedsores. This reporter may invest in that clinic, the stock will soar (according to Martha Stewart who always knows these things).

Still feeling that the researchers had a secret motive, your tireless, never giving up, news hound performed his own study to find what the best indicators of future success in the United States were. The results were shocking. You are far, far, far more likely to grow up to be rich and successful if you are born in a mansion than if you are born in a state subsidized housing project (gasp). But why? It seems being born in a mansion gives you more opportunities, like better schools, better healthcare, higher likelihood of a two parent family, and, most importantly, the backing of the Republican National Party. Stay strong faithful reader(s), we will break these barriers.

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Starbucks being sued for…. Being rude? (Gasp, who knew?)

The McDonalds of coffee is on the wrong side of a lawsuit filed in Manhattan over discrimination against deaf customers. Workers not only mocked the speech and communication patterns of the deaf group who met at the coffeehouse once a month, but also called police to have them removed from the premises. Twelve members of Deaf Chat Coffee are listed as plaintiffs in the suit. When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Seattle based company stated,” Discrimination of any kind at Starbucks in unacceptable. We take these allegations very seriously and believe that they are neither in line with our values nor our track record of engaging the deaf community as partners and as customers.” While this reporter is ignorant of any “Starbucks coffee for the hearing impaired” program, he is certain that we will all know of one very soon. While this case is merit, and will most likely end in a few lost jobs and a nod to those who live in a world of silence, it seems astounding that this case truly even exists. Now hold on suddenly angry reader(s), allow for an explanation. EVERYONE OVER THE AGE OF 25 KNOWS STARBUCKS WORKERS ARE RUDE, IMPATIENT PEOPLE. I think it is one of the job requirements, along with adaptability to foreign coffee languages. And massive piercings.

Starbucks has long offered consistency on a level known to very companies throughout the history of the universe. Your coffee will always taste the same, no matter where or when you get it. And the service with that coffee will always be rotten, no matter when or where you get it. Your tireless newshound risked his life and sanity to test this hypothesis by stopping at every Starbucks within 25 miles of his house. (It took three weeks just to go four blocks). What he found seems to support the above statements. Surly hipsters with earlobes that Asiana pilots could successfully land a plane through, dispensing coffee with borderline malice. Nearly every time this bladder bursting media maven received his “triple grande caramel mocha with a little extra caramel not too hot sauces only please™,” said “not too hot” beverage was a mere five degrees hotter than ball lightning requiring it to be triple cupped and coated in 65 of those sleeve things that fill up the floorboards of every commuter’s car in the land. Thousands of trees had to die just contain each drink. I haven’t slept in days and I can actually see the individual atoms that make up my keyboard. The things I go through to deliver quality reporting may be the death of me yet. Stay strong reader(s), someday you’ll get your coffee delivered with a smile somewhere besides McDonalds.

Nordstrom tracked smartphones for shopper habits

In recent shopping news, Nordstrom has admitted to tracking customer’s WiFi signal emanating from their smartphones as they meandered through the store. In a move right out of the Patriot Act, Nordstrom and other stores used the signals to see how customer movements “flowed through the store” in order to “better serve you™.” While no data was taken that could single out any one single shopper, much data in the way different people shop was gathered. The retailer has an interest in whether lighting, layouts, positioning, or any of myriad variables could influence how people spend their time within its walls.

In a rare treat for my faithful reader(s), this reporter was able to gain access to this data through one of his many secret sources (thanks Tom). Now this reporter is no stranger to the land of variables and extrapolation. In college, he did his fair share of extrapolating, and showing it to people. So what I’ve done here is pull out the shoppers who only went into the store for ONE (1) item. Singular. Uno. I them separated them by gender. What is revealed may change the way people view people forever (and then some). It is a stunning difference of how people shop for ONE (1) item. I give you how men shop:

What we see is a quick, efficient, in and out purchase. The entire process only took 35 minutes. The actual purchase part was ten minutes but checking out one’s figure in the bathroom mirror was an additional 25 minutes, give or take the time to actually use the restroom for its intended purpose.

Now we see how women shop for ONE (1) single item:

What we have here is a far different picture (as if the caption didn’t tell you that). Women, on average spend three and a half WEEKS shopping for ONE(1) single item.

In another top secret interview with my source, Tom said that the study showed Nordstrom will have to upgrade in several areas, most of which center around husbands and children of female shoppers (boyfriends are too spineless to say anything so they suffer). Future store renovations will include, a restaurant, sleeping quarters, a small preschool, and a site specific semi-pro football team to quell unrest amongst husbands who figure out that television run on a “loop” display. While none of this may come as a surprise to any man who’s heard the words “let’s run in here for a minute,” it appears to have been news to Big Retail- who’s out of touch with reality anyway. Stay strong reader(s), help is on the way.