Ask Dr. Steve –Advice 7/20/2013

Dear Dr. Steve,

How can I tell my parents that I want to drop my biology major and go for a liberal arts degree? All I want to do is blog about the incredible ideas my cat has, I have to finish my degree but my parents want me to become a doctor. What can I do?

Signed,

My cat can solve world hunger

Dear hunger,

A liberal arts degree can’t even get you a job at Starbucks now. Unless you have huge earlobes and a beard. The beard must have enough food in it to keep you from needing to stop working for lunch. Send the cat to me and I’ll blog about him for a modest fee until you finish your degree. Or, switch to journalism, that way you can always fall back on writing for some loser newspaper until your blog makes huge money like this one.

Dear Dr. Steve,

How do you possibly work a day job, blow my inbox with all these posts, and raise a family at the same time? Are you even human?

Signed,

Amazed at all that you do

Dear Amazed,

It’s simple, I rarely sleep and ignore my family. They think I’m getting paid for this. Don’t blow my cover.

Dear Dr. Steve,

My cat destroyed my tinfoil hat and now if I take my medication it will make me twitch. The hat is the only thing that can stop them. I paid good money for that hat and it takes six weeks to have a new one made and delivered. I’ll have to go off my medication until it arrives, last time I ended up getting arrested for indecent exposure and trying to have sex with a parked police car. I can’t stand the twitches, what shall I do?

Sincerely,

I hate that cat

Dear I,

Mom will you stop trying to contact me through here? I said I’d be over for dinner tonight and I’ll make you a new hat. Please stay in the bathroom until I get there.

Have a problem you can’t solve and don’t want to ask anyone you know? Just ask Dr. Steve, all letters will be published anonymously and your secret will be safe with me. Just fill out the information below to finally get the help you’ve always needed but were to humiliated to ask someone near you.

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Starbucks being sued for…. Being rude? (Gasp, who knew?)

The McDonalds of coffee is on the wrong side of a lawsuit filed in Manhattan over discrimination against deaf customers. Workers not only mocked the speech and communication patterns of the deaf group who met at the coffeehouse once a month, but also called police to have them removed from the premises. Twelve members of Deaf Chat Coffee are listed as plaintiffs in the suit. When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Seattle based company stated,” Discrimination of any kind at Starbucks in unacceptable. We take these allegations very seriously and believe that they are neither in line with our values nor our track record of engaging the deaf community as partners and as customers.” While this reporter is ignorant of any “Starbucks coffee for the hearing impaired” program, he is certain that we will all know of one very soon. While this case is merit, and will most likely end in a few lost jobs and a nod to those who live in a world of silence, it seems astounding that this case truly even exists. Now hold on suddenly angry reader(s), allow for an explanation. EVERYONE OVER THE AGE OF 25 KNOWS STARBUCKS WORKERS ARE RUDE, IMPATIENT PEOPLE. I think it is one of the job requirements, along with adaptability to foreign coffee languages. And massive piercings.

Starbucks has long offered consistency on a level known to very companies throughout the history of the universe. Your coffee will always taste the same, no matter where or when you get it. And the service with that coffee will always be rotten, no matter when or where you get it. Your tireless newshound risked his life and sanity to test this hypothesis by stopping at every Starbucks within 25 miles of his house. (It took three weeks just to go four blocks). What he found seems to support the above statements. Surly hipsters with earlobes that Asiana pilots could successfully land a plane through, dispensing coffee with borderline malice. Nearly every time this bladder bursting media maven received his “triple grande caramel mocha with a little extra caramel not too hot sauces only please™,” said “not too hot” beverage was a mere five degrees hotter than ball lightning requiring it to be triple cupped and coated in 65 of those sleeve things that fill up the floorboards of every commuter’s car in the land. Thousands of trees had to die just contain each drink. I haven’t slept in days and I can actually see the individual atoms that make up my keyboard. The things I go through to deliver quality reporting may be the death of me yet. Stay strong reader(s), someday you’ll get your coffee delivered with a smile somewhere besides McDonalds.