Men’s Health- Survival

While there are many articles out there telling men what they need to do to stay fit and tone those triceps, there are few that really touch on the second most important topic in a man’s life- survival. The Not Really News Blog won’t waste your time with another blah blah blah article on building the perfect quads. TNRNB wants you to live, read articles, and be happy. The first two we can help you with. The third is impossible. Happiness is for wild animals, they don’t have anything important to worry about, besides Republicans. So without further delay, 10 tips for men’s survival:

  1. Drink from the jug. This is important. Drinking from the jug is territory marking. We can’t waste precious resources by sharing. We want to survive. If you can’t pee on it then drink out of it.
  2. Don’t have a family. Another huge mistake men make is getting married and having kids. There is no better way to die young than to sacrifice all your hard work- even for a cute little defenseless baby.
  3. Don’t play with babies. Babies are germ party houses. They sit around covered from end to end in slime. Whether they are sitting poo or drenched in drool, they are festering sites of disease waiting to happen.
  4. Eat what you want. All these new fad diets require you to not eat something and eat less of everything. How does that even make sense? What you don’t eat, someone else will, then it’s gone forever. The key to survival is waste nothing.
  5. Waste nothing. Never throw anything away. The odds are tremendous that you will need something someday that chucked out with the trash. Since there is no way of knowing what that is, keep everything. Bases covered. Some things can also be repurposed. Forks can be made into back scratchers, for instance.
  6. Don’t let women buy your clothes. Women buy clothes so that they can parade you around like a trained monkey. While monkeys qualify for happiness under the Wild Animal Happiness Act™ mentioned above, trained monkeys aren’t wild any more so they are required to be miserable as well. Buy your own clothes. And buy manly, warm ones that don’t sag.
  7. Don’t own trained monkeys. If too many trained monkeys are out there, women may stop making men altogether. That would be a real threat to survival.
  8. Don’t wash dishes. Men get water everywhere when they wash dishes, it’s part of the fun. However, those puddles of fun are serious slipping hazards and if you brain yourself on the counter and die in a pool of your own blood, you won’t be surviving very well
  9. Keep your blood on the inside of your body. TNRNB cannot stress enough how important this is. If you don’t follow any the other tips, follow this one. It works without being part of an entire fitness program.
  10. Buy paper plates. Paper plates avoid the issues of #8 which could lead to failure of #9. Once used, they can be burned for heat, which keeps you from getting cold.

There you have it men, survival is easy if you follow these ten simple tricks. Stay strong, and don’t bleed.

AG Holder announces major changes to leak probe guidelines

Eric Holder has announced changes in how the government can charge the sweet, innocent, blameless media (and possibly other people who really don’t matter) in leak probes. We journalist can breathe much easier now knowing the Justice Department can no longer charge reporters for doing their job in releasing all material they can regardless of the outcome. It is our job to keep America informed, buying papers, and making our investors and sponsors happy to give us more money. You may scoff that a “satirist” such as myself could be in danger of government action. To this I say, “If they will tackle the satirist promised land, AKA Fox News, then no one is safe.” This reporter is much relieved that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert were off-season and safe during this time of journalistic oppression, obviously nothing is sacred under this administration. This reporter may be endangering himself with such outspoken tactics but never fear, my faithful reader(s), they can’t steal MY email- you guys never create me any. Besides, all my contacts in the spy business are reached through much more secure methods.

When reached by carrier pigeon, a source- who spoke on the condition of anonymity due to not being authorized to do more than mop bathrooms- told me that FBI leaders are livid that the President would lambast the Bush era Patriot Act and its implications, use them beyond their scope, then limit their scope so severely. “The spooks feel like they’ll have to go back to spying on each other. Last time it got to this point the FBI vs. CIA softball tournaments were ugly. No one left the dugout without a disguise, it was really embarrassing watching a rhinoceros strike out a dogwood tree in the finals that year, not to mention the signals from the third base coach were relayed through satellites. It’s so much nicer when we can keep them busy spying on civilians,” the informant stated through a small flock of pigeons.

Media organizations will now be told if they are being investigated AND reporters cannot be considered co-conspirators for the sake of sneaking around secret search warrant rules for reporting material. I will never have to reveal my source and Jimbob will be fine as long he doesn’t let the pigeon poop pile too high. A reporter’s source is far too valuable in this pigeon-eat-pigeon world of sponsorship dollars, corporate-based media companies, and the reader expectation of a story that will occasionally hold under scrutiny. So for this protection, I say thank you AG Holden, and give a shout out to Bradly Manning and Eddie Snowden, thanks guys for taking the heat so the rest of us can sleep at night, in a nice warm bed, with multiple pillows, and AC in the summer, you guys are great.

Stay strong readers, our government is watching out for us. (Keep your head down Jimbob, your secret is safe with me).