Actually updated: Royal Baby born- a shameless post to drive up search engine hits

The royal birth canal has finally been outwardly breached and Duchess Kate has given birth to an 8 pound 6 ounce prince of an empire that pales in comparison to the old “sun never sets on the British Empire” days. Earlier in the days bookies had had odds on the name being Alexandra, should the tyke be female. The Windsor family now has hopes that the boy is more of an Alexander as in “the Great” and can bring in some new real estate in the ever shrinking, always expansionist thinking kingdom.

The royal baby shows how far an umbilical cord stretches in many ways, as the United States, barely two and a half weeks from its own 237th year of freedom from British rule, has been on the edge of its collective seat waiting for word from the mother land that all would be well with the royal line. Not that they do much anyway do they? The royal wave? Maybe the new heir can learn to wave early, as a tiny baby, hence the royal micro-wave. More as this story develops.

Update:

The baby was delivered by a team that included the Queen’s former gynecologist, and her current gynecologist. Yes, you heard that right, someone still has to take a peek every so often at the Queen’s 87 year old bits just to make sure they are still there. That just might be one of the most dangerous jobs in the world. Just one ill-timed cringe or gag and it’s “off with his head.” My deepest sympathy to this man. You are a hero. The baby is healthy and mother and newborn human that will have any clue what real life is like and probably will believe that anything Lewis Carroll was a documentary. Now life in a palace can be tough, they are drafty I hear, it would be easy to get lost in a 12 million square foot guesthouse, and who knows how long room service takes to get there. This reporter is betting it was much faster in the good old (or is it olde?) days when servants could be flogged.

We here at The Not Really News Blog which the new little imperialist the best life can offer. He deserves it. That poor kid has already been media stalked more than any American since Edward Snowden. A truly private life is something we common dirt scratchers take for granted. Stay strong readers, we’ll never have half the worries this poor child already has.

Apple investigating death of woman allegedly electrocuted by her iPhone 5

In a shocking story, a Chinese woman, Ma Ailun, 23, has been reportedly electrocuted by answering her charging iPhone 5. Apple is investigation the charge, which appears to have some validity. The tech giant has had a rough time in the Chinese market, battling warranty issues and workers killing themselves. The only way things could get any worse is if AT&T branched out into the country. All those dropped calls and WiFi slowdowns might be enough to start riots in the volatile country. An attempt to reach Apple’s highest ranking official in the country resulted in our carrier pigeon being shot down forcing The Not Really News Blog to resort to less secure means of communication. However, attempts to reach the official by phone fractured due to dropped calls on our end (damn you AT&T). We have sent them a letter via USPS, expect a follow up story in March. Ma was a flight attendant who was engaged to be married next month.

An Apple spokesman was reached in the US. “We are deeply saddened to learn of this tragic incident and offer our condolences to the Ma family,” Apple told Reuters in an email. “We will fully investigate and cooperate with authorities in this matter.”

A carrier pigeon was able to penetrate Apple’s US headquarters to reach a TNRNB source who of course has no authorization to say or do anything fun so will remain anonymous, “Apple is really startled by this development. The workers dying left and right are bad enough, we can’t afford for customers to jump on the bandwagon too. The board of directors are scrambling to find out why the iPhone 5 battery has so many dramatic side effects. We knew about the intense heat and fires, but electrocution might be a deal breaker.”

Another possibility is that the phone was a fake to begin with. Knock-offs are a major industry in China selling both inside and beyond its borders. Our source states, “The chances of this being a knock off are tremendous. The shops are astoundingly good over there. It’s not uncommon for us to submit a few months payroll to some of them before realizing they don’t even work for us.”

In other news, the Android market has risen slightly, reflecting the lightning-fast effects of the media on today’s consumers. This story will be updated as more information comes in. Please check back four or five times an hour just to be safe, we wouldn’t want you to miss anything.

Sex on a Train (Now that got your attention)

Bay Area Rapid Transit Police are searching for a couple who believed to have engaged in sexual acts while on a moving BART train. While this is not considered to be a major crime, a new law on the books may make the couple, if found, to be the first to face harsher penalties for public lewdness. The video was apparently shot by a third party by cell phone then uploaded to the Internet. Police are doing everything in power to find these feckless frolickers. Detective Irving C. Butts commented, “I have watched this video countless times, both at full speed and in slow motion, and have zoomed in on any identifying features. I have instructed my officers to do the same. We will know these people on sight and they won’t get away this.”

While the Not Really News Blog expects the couple to face some very stiff consequences, it is also hoped that some compassion can be found. No one knows the circumstances that led to this ride while riding. Maybe one of them just returned from war, maybe they were drunk (we really don’t want to start holding people accountable for that do we?), maybe they were lonely. While we may never know the circumstances, we should do our civic duty and become familiar with the footage in case we meet them on the streets somewhere. The footage can be found here. Please do not attempt to apprehend these criminals yourself, they may be armed and/or sticky. Should you make an attempt to circumvent the law and take matters into your own hands you may find yourself on trial, with your own heritage questioned, while pictures of the victims attending church as babies are splashed across the media everywhere. You cannot win. Please act responsibly while pursuing public sex fiends.

KTVU Apologizes for Being Pathetic

When news reporters are the headlines it’s never good for the media. This reporter is stunned that such shoddy reporting could not only reach all the way to news anchor, not only get unnoticed as reported by the anchor, but also ruin what would have been a great post to be written by myself. Announced on air that pilots names spelled phonetic phrases like “something wrong” and “we too low,” the news cast quickly went viral as a case of good joke turned bad. While the “Not Really News Blog” salutes good joke writing, it stands by its views that such jokes should be left to professionals and, clearly, the story writer crossed trade lines. You don’t see me stealing Jon Stewart’s Jewish material do you? Or writing Shakespeare? Clearly in a case where three people died and 180 were injured the trade standard is give it a few days before joke cracking. Please take you KTVU amateurs, you have standards to uphold in this world. The NTSB (which oversees something and shares overseeing it with the TSA and several other ABC gangs. My research seems to lead to the NTSB as standing for “Not Too Shabby Baby” whatever that means), has stated a “summer intern” confirmed, but did not invent, the names erroneously to the news station. The “intern” feels terrible for having public relations responsibilities for a major government ABC gang type body, it won’t happen again (at least until next summer).

This reporter did contact the Asiana Airlines and was able to conduct a phone interview with one of the airline’s technicians in charge of plane inspection. Wing Bak On stated that the plane was cleared for trans-oceanic flight and was in immaculate condition. “The plane got there. My job was good. Those scratches won’t buff out easily though,” he said through a translator. It is obvious by his directness that there may be some tension within the airline that was not made any easier by the news anchor gaff. KTVU has made it a priority to become more informed in Asian culture and even hired a Chinese native to check the integrity of all Far East stories. It has been announced that the new head of Asian Quality Control Department, Mi No Ly begins her new job on Monday. It’s good to see some positive progress come out of a terrible tragedy.

UPDATE 7/14/13: With more news hitting the airwaves warning that the Asiana may take action over the mistaken release of offensive fake names the above article has been amended to reflect a more racially neutral and less funny stance that is less sue worthy as well. This reporter may be loved but he is poor.

UPDATE: This reporter has decided to stand his ground against the gang of evil lawyers spreading censorship and hate. (He also did the math and realized he doesn’t own enough to be sued for anything anyway.) Stand strong reader(s) the Not Really News Blog is here for you.