The Zimmerman jury sequestration that wasn’t

Proving sequestering, like a federal filibuster, isn’t what it used to be ,the jurors in the George Zimmerman murder trial were allowed to go bowling and shop at the mall. They were also allowed to go to the Ripley’s Believe It or Not! Museum where they were undoubtedly an exhibit. In a trial that made waves in just about every way possible, from racial tension to racial confusion to the fact that it ever existed at all, the idea that a jury for a reasonably short trial (for its kind) could cost over $30,000 might be the penultimate head scratcher.

This reporter may not be a judicial expert but it seems that sequestering means to “lock away,” not “send out to remake “Ferris Beuller’s Day Off.” A trial of overwhelming media saturation would seem to call for a tightly guarded jury in any state but Florida. This would appear to open the door for a multitude of appeals and potentially threaten Juror B37’s book deal. Now how is that fair to “judiciary capitalism®.” It is mind-boggling, and more than a little comforting, that a juror’s own actions could screw her out of millions for all six pages of her story. But the world will never know what was truly discussed in that jury room- not unless the world wants to stitch the hundreds of interviews, news reports, blog posts, and satirical snobbery that will flow over the next two weeks.

However, thanks to several high profile cases lately, Florida is in the running for most true crime novels, biographies, and (my favorite) unauthorized biographies. In fact, borrowing a punch line for the comic strip “Get Fuzzy,” Florida may soon break the record for the most unauthorized auto-biographies. This reporter isn’t complaining folks, after all this is what keeps him busy, makes him the big bucks, brings in the bacon, lets him forget he isn’t getting paid a dime for this. I can already see that huge ad for Nike or Microsoft, maybe even Wal-Mart, but more than likely- Uncle Bill’s Fried Wiener Bits: The wiener with a crunch. Don’t mock it, everything started somewhere. We’ll get there. TNRNB and Uncle Bill’s may end up being the greatest partnership since Watson and Crick or Gates and Paul Allen or Phil Knight and China. Great things come to those who are in the right place at the right time not those who really put effort into anything, which is why I do almost no fact checking so I can fit in. Stay strong faithful reader(s), maybe you,’ll get an all-expense paid jury duty vacation sometime soon.

Mafia Boss Trial- Straight Out Of a Movie

The trial of James “Whitey” Bulger becomes more surreal each day. FBI informants turned rouge, FBI investigators turned rouge, rouges turned informants, it’s almost like nobody could trust each other. It was almost like a scene from The Departed, but that would just be ridiculous. Clearly there is a huge line between Hollywood and real life. Yet here we are, with every day of new testimony sounding like mobsters are real and capitalism is alive and well in the underworld. And, after 16 years of living as a fugitive, Bulger, now 83, is on trial for 19 killings, extortion, and racketeering. If convicted, he could spend the rest of his life behind bars. He’s 83, they’ll be lucky to get more than a couple of years out of him, like a new Ford or something. Maybe instead of life in prison, he should be forced to do things that benefit humanity, like teach Democrats how to raise money- It’s clear Republicans already know how to use extortion so that would be a waste of taxpayer’s dollars teaching them. He could teach Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes, and other child actresses gone psycho, how to live in California unnoticed. And most importantly he could teach the rest of us how get cool nicknames.

With names like “The Rifleman” and “Whitey” or other mob names like “Scarface,” it is clear that criminals dominate the market in cool nicknames. Even Mexican drugs lords get names like “El General” and “La Barbie,” or my favorite “El Nacho.” And so this reporter wants a nickname, something cool and intimidating and not “asshole” like his wife calls him. Those who go back a few years on Facebook with me will recall a status on Mexican drug lords were I was going to being smuggling Tylenol 3 with codeine across the border under the guise of Steve “Carne Asada Burrito with extra sour cream.” I have since abandoned those dreams because drug smuggling is illegal- and they get shot at a lot. So this hard edged, investigative hound is on the search for a new moniker, something that describes his ability to ferret out the most amazing stories and most informative sources “Power to Google!!!!” Wait. That’s it. Ladies and gentlemen all me to introduce your reporter’s new all mighty nickname: Steve “Power to Google!!!” Kallio, complete with three (3) exclamation points. You may use PtG for short if you fear carpal tunnel syndrome from type-chanting my name as I bring you the latest in critical news and bring myself…. Internet domination. Oops. Got a little wild there for a second, but I’m okay now. Being raised by pheasants has posed some difficulties in how to act in society 9more about that here). Stay strong faithful reader(s) we will get through this together.