ATNRNB Interview Exclusive- Chris the Carrier Pigeon

Sorry for my gap in reporting, faithful reader(s), but these days it’s tough to find anything in the news that isn’t Syria, a mass shooting, or similar topic not fit for a humorous spin. However, three days without a post is record here and the staff was getting restless. As I glanced around the news/living room, I realized that it was time to pay some attention to one of our unsung heroes. An employee who truly flies in the face of danger. A master of working behind enemy lines, getting in, and back out with minimal disturbance- minus that one load of birdshot. Continue reading

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Ask Dr. Steve (or don’t I’ll make them up if I have to)- 8/9/13

Dear great and most esteemed Dr. Steve,

I think I might need a head doctor. I often find my mind drifting…. thinking of all the ways I can destroy my computer. Right now it’s a toss up. Slather honey on it and put it on an ant hill or throw it off of the Lewis and Clark Bridge.

Signed,

A lover of owls Continue reading

Facebook refuses U.N. records request- it’s a pirate’s life for me

Edward Snowden may have claimed the social networks caved in to NSA pressure for spy material on U.S. citizens, but it stood its ground against the United Nations request for information regarding suspected Somali pirates. While the U.N. says pirates use a variety of means to coordinate activity, real pirates say they don’t use social media “for business” as it greatly increases the likelihood of getting caught. According to NBC, “there are more personal accounts than general ones for the pirates,” said Bile Hussein, a Somali pirate commander in Gracad, a pirate base in central Somalia by phone. “We use emails for deals.” Of course they use email, after all who would suspect CaptSparrow@imapirate.com (not a real email address, however, should it work I have no connection, matey. Nor do I own a parrot) could really be a pirate. So it appears that, while Twitter makes it easier to bust bullies, Facebook is standing its cyber-ground on who can use or can’t use the platform. And why shouldn’t they? It’s not like the U.N. can do much about it, they don’t even have subpoena ability.  Continue reading

Actually updated: Royal Baby born- a shameless post to drive up search engine hits

The royal birth canal has finally been outwardly breached and Duchess Kate has given birth to an 8 pound 6 ounce prince of an empire that pales in comparison to the old “sun never sets on the British Empire” days. Earlier in the days bookies had had odds on the name being Alexandra, should the tyke be female. The Windsor family now has hopes that the boy is more of an Alexander as in “the Great” and can bring in some new real estate in the ever shrinking, always expansionist thinking kingdom.

The royal baby shows how far an umbilical cord stretches in many ways, as the United States, barely two and a half weeks from its own 237th year of freedom from British rule, has been on the edge of its collective seat waiting for word from the mother land that all would be well with the royal line. Not that they do much anyway do they? The royal wave? Maybe the new heir can learn to wave early, as a tiny baby, hence the royal micro-wave. More as this story develops.

Update:

The baby was delivered by a team that included the Queen’s former gynecologist, and her current gynecologist. Yes, you heard that right, someone still has to take a peek every so often at the Queen’s 87 year old bits just to make sure they are still there. That just might be one of the most dangerous jobs in the world. Just one ill-timed cringe or gag and it’s “off with his head.” My deepest sympathy to this man. You are a hero. The baby is healthy and mother and newborn human that will have any clue what real life is like and probably will believe that anything Lewis Carroll was a documentary. Now life in a palace can be tough, they are drafty I hear, it would be easy to get lost in a 12 million square foot guesthouse, and who knows how long room service takes to get there. This reporter is betting it was much faster in the good old (or is it olde?) days when servants could be flogged.

We here at The Not Really News Blog which the new little imperialist the best life can offer. He deserves it. That poor kid has already been media stalked more than any American since Edward Snowden. A truly private life is something we common dirt scratchers take for granted. Stay strong readers, we’ll never have half the worries this poor child already has.

Dave Matthews picked up hitchhiking to his own concert

In what, on the surface, appears to be a “feel good story about a young couple who doesn’t know any better meeting a hero©,” Dave Matthews was picked up by concert goers en route to HIS concert and given a ride to the venue. Matthews was riding his bike to the show when he experienced a flat tire. The fans saw him, stopped, and the rest is viral news story/blip on the radar history. What a wonderful story- not. Folks, this is just another case of a major “celebrity” flaunting their disregard of all things “legal.” Hitchhiking is illegal folks, yet where most of us would have a citation waiting for us at the end of the trip, Mr. Matthews enjoys free publicity. Did he really not pack a spare tube or repair kit? Can he not just whip out his phone and call for his limo like the rest of us? It certainly appears HE doesn’t need to. What a shame. This is what our country has come to, celebrity rule- kind of like martial law only with more rehab.

Further, this story reflects the growing issue of profiling that has swept the country, from faux airline pilot names to the ethnicity of a man accused of the murder of an unarmed teen, this has become a real problem in our society. My wife went out to grab the paper this morning, fresh out of the shower, with a towel on her head- three people dove behind their garbage cans. Now she may not exactly shine before her makeup is on but come on folks, she’s not going to suicide bomb anyone’s mailbox.

Further complicating matters is the subject of profiling. Mr. Matthew’s “rock star look” is pretty clean cut and all-American. He looks more like a late 80s John Cougar-Mellencamp or present day Eddie Vetter than a wild rocker. This makes him much more “pickupable©,” it appears, than, oh say, a real rock star who looks like a rock star like “Weird Al” Yankovich or Morbid Angel. Profiling has led to civil rights movements, legislation, and the re-election of a certain Arizona sheriff. I guess it remains to be seen if this will add to his teenie bopper image or pull him down like a Bieber in a mosh pit (not much of a life span there).

Dave Matthews (via Google Search):

Slipknot (via Google Search):

You tell me who these “rock fans” were going to pick up.

Reader(s), we have to take our country back from the celebs who dictate what laws do or do not apply to them like a Senator with a Twitter account. This is our land and it is our dollars that we waste to go to the events, be they movies or concerts, that make these people celebrities- except for the Kardashians, and Paris Hilton, nobody’s really sure what’s going on there. Stay strong reader(s), and demand that our rock stars look like freaks and follow the law, the way it should be.