NSA caught spying on CIA, FBI- Obama demands J. Edgar Hoover take helm

In yet another potential spying failure, the NSA has been caught peeking in on the actions of the other major United States intelligence agencies. Since the Patriot Act, the NSA has enjoyed nearly unfettered freedom to keep tabs on everyone from potential terrorists to political dissidents and from the United Nations to the Associate Press, and, of course, Verizon Wireless users. This latest scandal has prompted Mr. Obama to immediately hold a press conference, giving himself mere weeks to prepare a speech for it, and nominate J. Edgar Hoover as Supreme Intelligence Overlord, Head of Vacuum Cleaner Sales, and Prince of Keeping People Confused About Your Sexuality. Continue reading

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Swiss ban sales of ski lifts to North Korea, Kim Jong-Un stamps his foot

The Swiss government has declared that ski lifts qualify as luxury items and therefore are banned by U.N. sanctions. Kim Jong-Un wished to acquire the lifts to add to a posh resort meant for all four of the people in entire poverty stricken country who are allowed to enjoy fancy things like skiing, yachts, cars, education, food, and clean water. The other 23 million can pound rocks, and apparently make soup out of them. The United Nations, in typical “do something that amounts to nothing” fashion passed a sanction in 2006 banning the sale of fancy goods to the standoffish nation. However, it didn’t bother so say what those items might actually be, leaving it up to each nation to make that decision. (Which is why the U.S. sends them nothing as House Republicans declared any form of help entitlements and thereby making them a luxury.)The pint sized dictator of doom swore Continue reading

Facebook refuses U.N. records request- it’s a pirate’s life for me

Edward Snowden may have claimed the social networks caved in to NSA pressure for spy material on U.S. citizens, but it stood its ground against the United Nations request for information regarding suspected Somali pirates. While the U.N. says pirates use a variety of means to coordinate activity, real pirates say they don’t use social media “for business” as it greatly increases the likelihood of getting caught. According to NBC, “there are more personal accounts than general ones for the pirates,” said Bile Hussein, a Somali pirate commander in Gracad, a pirate base in central Somalia by phone. “We use emails for deals.” Of course they use email, after all who would suspect CaptSparrow@imapirate.com (not a real email address, however, should it work I have no connection, matey. Nor do I own a parrot) could really be a pirate. So it appears that, while Twitter makes it easier to bust bullies, Facebook is standing its cyber-ground on who can use or can’t use the platform. And why shouldn’t they? It’s not like the U.N. can do much about it, they don’t even have subpoena ability.  Continue reading

North Korean ship carrying hidden ‘missile equipment’ detained after leaving Cuba

The world is stunned as a ship was stopped in the Panama Canal on suspicion of carrying drugs, only to yield weapons of crass destruction hidden inside containers of brown sugar. The North Korean cargo ship Chong Chon Gang (yes that’s its real name) was detained After officials boarded it for inspection on Monday. Officials have said the captain had to be restrained as he attempted to commit suicide on the instant that the hidden cargo was found. An anonymous intern at KTVU- San Francisco verified that the ship’s captain’s name was Mi Haf Bang and was a general cargo ship owned by the Chongchongang Shipping Co. This reporter finds it suspicious that the ship’s name and parent company are the same but he would never question the fact checking of such an esteemed media outlet.

While it is unclear what the exact intention of the shipment was, it was clearly a surface-to-air missile system that would qualify for antique license plates in the US. Some defense analysts doubt the system could even function which spawned the theory that it may be headed for an overhaul at one of North Korea’s state-of-the-art (I can’t even type that with a straight face) facilities, complete with Model A ford transport capability. Under this hypothesis, the sugar could have been payment for the work being done, and Model A’s don’t come cheap. After a thorough refurbishing, the system would have been shipped back, undoubtedly hidden in a cargo of old Elvis Presley LPs. The second hypothesis is that North Korea was shopping for more weapons that would blend in with their present systems that were designed with Tutti Frutti playing in the background.

All 35 members of the ship’s crew are being held and the cargo violates at least 3 U.N. sanctions. Such violations will most likely anger the U.N. Councilmembers and spark a “We really mean it this time™” rebuke. Honestly reader(s), this reporter has his doubts that the U.N. will act at all. North Korea has stirred unrest on the Korean Peninsula through multiple missile tests, posturing, name calling, and covert unleashing of PSY on the Western World under the guise of him being South Korean. The medical bills your tireless newshound incurred during the last 365 days (Happy anniversary by the way)of Gangnam Style is a war crime in itself. Let us all hope that council surprises us with some sanctions. Like banning those haircuts the Korean dictators all favor, those are just creepy. Stay strong faithful reader(s), those in power will keep us safe and we shall never have to worry about a third world country under the sway of a crazy dictator bringing weapons into the Western Hemisphere.