What the government shutdown really means to commoners

As we are now into the first full day of the shutdown, a summary of services still offered is needed. Many government websites are down, and the rightfully worried citizens of the U.S. are flocking to the Internet and searching for the latest news. Here at TNRNB, we thought we should get a piece of that (meaning provide a helpful service, we don’t worry about traffic here (okay, there isn’t any)). In order to enlighten our reader (we believe his name is Tom from Wisconsin), we did all the scouring needed to be done (and made up everything else). So here you are Tom (if that’s who you really are), services you probably don’t need anyway. Continue reading

My thoughts on today

This is a departure from form for me, as I’m not soliciting laughs from this post. Twelve years ago I worked the night shift in a paper mill and usually didn’t get home until 7:00in the morning. I would usually pass my wife in the hallway as she got out of bed and I went to lay down. I hadn’t been there long when my wife burst through the bedroom door that morning in a panic unlike I’d seen from her, barring when she hurt one of our vehicles. It didn’t take much to realize she’d either really wrecked something good, or she was terrified of something. She stammered something to the amount of “we’re under attack.” I ran into the living room in nothing but a pair of boxers to defend whatever needed defending, Continue reading

Reviews are rolling in for “Running Naked With Pheasants”

As TNRNB reader(s) are well aware, this reporter HATES to use The Blog for self-promotion of any kind, but since the sampler of my future work of literary genius was released this morning, the reviews have been pouring in (my head). I felt it was only right to share some these reviews with the people who make this site such a stark raving success and a leader amongst quickly written posts that go largely ignored. Not just anyone can say that folks. I’ve trimmed the list to spare bandwidth as the reviews are numerous and, at times, lengthy. Read on faithful followers and bask in our shared dominance of all things pheasant.  Continue reading

Soccer team offers up animal sacrifice- wins match

In world sporting news today, it has been noted that a soccer team has sacrificed a sheep prior to its winning match against Celtic. Shakhter Karagandy, a team from Kazakhstan, offered up the sheep at Astana Arena, freshly built for the team. The governing body, UEFA or the Union of European Football Associations, has said the team will face sanctions if it happens again. In response, “Shakhter coach Viktor Kumykov suggested the ritual could be repeated.” Surely this 15th century type of behavior in sports must have died out after the second Major League movie, but it appears that some pockets of resistance remain. Even more shocking is the choice of animal, sheep are nearly sacred in the world of soccer (or football as the rest of planet outside of the United States calls it). Other soccer clubs are livid about this development. Premier British soccer team Continue reading

NSA caught spying on CIA, FBI- Obama demands J. Edgar Hoover take helm

In yet another potential spying failure, the NSA has been caught peeking in on the actions of the other major United States intelligence agencies. Since the Patriot Act, the NSA has enjoyed nearly unfettered freedom to keep tabs on everyone from potential terrorists to political dissidents and from the United Nations to the Associate Press, and, of course, Verizon Wireless users. This latest scandal has prompted Mr. Obama to immediately hold a press conference, giving himself mere weeks to prepare a speech for it, and nominate J. Edgar Hoover as Supreme Intelligence Overlord, Head of Vacuum Cleaner Sales, and Prince of Keeping People Confused About Your Sexuality. Continue reading

Legal disclosure that I should have made long ago

Dear Readers,

It has occurred to me that, despite my best intentions to bring the most complete, reliable, transparent news blog on this planet (I’ll conquer the rest later), I’ve failed to be as transparent and upfront as I should be. That’s right, I haven’t published a disclosure of pertinent information that explains any conflicts of interest or outside influences that hold sway on what I publish for you guys to ignore. I’m rectifying that right now, I no longer wish to feel like such an Obama. You will now have all the facts, here goes:  Continue reading

Classifieds 8/12/13

For sale or trade:

One gently used toilet. Except for that day we hosted a chili cook off, it really got a workout that time. All original lid, seat and tank. Factory flappy thing in tank, exit hole bored .030″ inch over for added flush power. Off white with pearl flames. First $50 takes it or trade for a Continue reading

Reuters: U.S. directs agents to cover up program used to investigate Americans. Obama blames leak on Roosevelt.

In what is sure to be a shock to anyone who has ever has ever wondered if the US government is honest with its citizens, the answer is most likely… no. In yet another homeland spying revelation, it has been revealed that, “a secretive U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration unit is funneling information from intelligence intercepts, wiretaps, informants and a massive database of telephone records to authorities across the nation to help them launch criminal investigations of Americans.” There is no doubt that such a program could protect countless lives through stopping crime before it’s committed, however, where do we, as American citizens, draw the line on this widespread spying? Furthermore, if the article is correct about agents lying to judges and other law enforcement, it undermines any chance of our government being held accountable by anyone. More and more this reporter is becoming grateful that no one ever reads anything he writes, being ignored is safety in these Orwellian times. The DEA created within itself a super-secret club known as SOD, which is clearly a nod to the trend setting, always controversial 80s spin-off band Stormtroopers of Death. Continue reading

Breastfeeding reaches 77% of new moms in the US according to the CDC- FBI arrests 50% of the CDC

In what bodes well for the future of children throughout the country and promises to spark more debate with prudes over boobs in public, the rate of new moms who breastfeed their infants has risen to 77%. Breastfeeding has a multitude of benefits, ranging from strong immune systems to possibly yielding smarter children- with the greatest benefits being those memes of babies with funny looks on their faces talking about boobs- those are great. Breastfeeding has faced many hurdles since the world because a prude-filled hate factory. There was a time when some doctors alluded that formulas might be easier to digest and have nutritional kickbacks (I meant values, I really did). However, the biggest threat to mothers’ ability to breastfeed has been the inconvenience of leaving the home. Much to the chagrin of men everywhere, some members of society frown on a breast being revealed in public, even partially, in order for a mother to feed her child. This saddens your faithful newshound that mothers are not able to do the best thing for their babies. While it is true that most of these complainers are mothers with young, but no longer nursing, children there was a guy who complained once but he was beaten senseless by a pack of construction workers and lost the ability to speak.  Continue reading

United States Military spent $34 million on an unused building- investigation underway

It has come to light that the US military spent $34 million on a building in Afghanistan that was never used and was ordered not to be built. The building, which is up for demolition, was “commissioned by the Army in February 2010 to be the Command and Control Facility for Regional Command Southwest during the surge. But, in May 2010, even before construction began, the Marine commander in the area submitted a request to U.S. Forces Afghanistan to cancel the project.” The 64,000 square foot building was obviously built anyway, for some overpriced reason as the Air Force ordered it done and now it will be torn down, as there is doubt the Afghans would have enough money to maintain or the technical capacity to operate the building if it were gifted to them. The investigation is also charged to find out if a “replacement building” was ordered built after the first was originally cancelled.  Continue reading

Where you grow up can hurt how far you rise- future income dictated by birth

With the arrival of the new royal baby, TNRNB decided to look into factors that affect all of us in our climb to the top. After much research, it is clear that the top is far different for all of us. In the United States, there are several factors that keeps the “Land of Opportunity” only opportune for some people and not others. It seems that being born in the South places severe limitations on how far you may rise above your birth station. Undoubtedly, this is a separate phenomenon from the foreign language they speak down there. “Ya’ll need ta know, I’m fixin’ ta cut off the lights,” is far more threatening sounding than it really is, but no one is actually sure what it means. If we are cutting off lights in the South, this reporter is going to look into a “replacing all those lights Southerners cut off” startup. What could possibly go wrong?

The study also found that race was not a deciding factor, across the board, in what keeps a man down. In Atlanta, for example, whites and blacks are equally stuck in poverty when compared to the income of their parents. The places found to have the highest mobility included Pittsburgh, Seattle (take that Seasonal Affect Disorder), and Salt Lake City which shows that man can succeed in any climate, from the desert to “look I’m sprouting gills.” However, there must be some way to predict how well a child will earn income in adulthood. We have powerful tools for looking into these things and this reporter thinks that the people who did this study will soon be opening a “career counseling” center within a fertility clinic complete with birthing stations and a travel agent to move your new child to the place most likely to help them earn enough to get yo into a nice rest home where the staff actually rolls you over to prevent bedsores. This reporter may invest in that clinic, the stock will soar (according to Martha Stewart who always knows these things).

Still feeling that the researchers had a secret motive, your tireless, never giving up, news hound performed his own study to find what the best indicators of future success in the United States were. The results were shocking. You are far, far, far more likely to grow up to be rich and successful if you are born in a mansion than if you are born in a state subsidized housing project (gasp). But why? It seems being born in a mansion gives you more opportunities, like better schools, better healthcare, higher likelihood of a two parent family, and, most importantly, the backing of the Republican National Party. Stay strong faithful reader(s), we will break these barriers.

Actually updated: Royal Baby born- a shameless post to drive up search engine hits

The royal birth canal has finally been outwardly breached and Duchess Kate has given birth to an 8 pound 6 ounce prince of an empire that pales in comparison to the old “sun never sets on the British Empire” days. Earlier in the days bookies had had odds on the name being Alexandra, should the tyke be female. The Windsor family now has hopes that the boy is more of an Alexander as in “the Great” and can bring in some new real estate in the ever shrinking, always expansionist thinking kingdom.

The royal baby shows how far an umbilical cord stretches in many ways, as the United States, barely two and a half weeks from its own 237th year of freedom from British rule, has been on the edge of its collective seat waiting for word from the mother land that all would be well with the royal line. Not that they do much anyway do they? The royal wave? Maybe the new heir can learn to wave early, as a tiny baby, hence the royal micro-wave. More as this story develops.

Update:

The baby was delivered by a team that included the Queen’s former gynecologist, and her current gynecologist. Yes, you heard that right, someone still has to take a peek every so often at the Queen’s 87 year old bits just to make sure they are still there. That just might be one of the most dangerous jobs in the world. Just one ill-timed cringe or gag and it’s “off with his head.” My deepest sympathy to this man. You are a hero. The baby is healthy and mother and newborn human that will have any clue what real life is like and probably will believe that anything Lewis Carroll was a documentary. Now life in a palace can be tough, they are drafty I hear, it would be easy to get lost in a 12 million square foot guesthouse, and who knows how long room service takes to get there. This reporter is betting it was much faster in the good old (or is it olde?) days when servants could be flogged.

We here at The Not Really News Blog which the new little imperialist the best life can offer. He deserves it. That poor kid has already been media stalked more than any American since Edward Snowden. A truly private life is something we common dirt scratchers take for granted. Stay strong readers, we’ll never have half the worries this poor child already has.

United States covert operation over the Great Barrier Reef- “We found Nemo.”

In the most provocative attack on an intelligence leak defector yet, the US quietly took out “AquaLeaks” founder and former DFW employee Nemo Clownfisher in what was termed as a “failed training exercise.” Two U.S. Marine Corps Av-8B Harrier jets, launched off the USS Bonhomme Richard, publicly “nearly ran out of fuel while waiting for the target to clear and had to cut the bombs loose and return to the ship.” However, while on record they can’t “land with the bombs attached,” they were able to take off with them, or did they just pick them up somewhere along the way? And does anyone really believe that the U.S. would drop 2,000 pounds of explosives into one of the most fragile ecosystems on the planet? For those who failed elementary school, or live in Texas (same thing), the Great Barrier Reef is the largest coral system left in the world. It stretches for 1,800 miles along Australia’s north-east coast. Changing climate, and pollution have already caused massive die offs of coral that will never replenish itself within our lifetime. It has been declared a World Heritage Site and even more protected than Mr. Obama’s birth certificate. The story just didn’t add up to this reporter, so he sent off a few carrier pigeons, and waited, and his source same through again.

Speaking on condition of anonymity because janitors for the FBI aren’t allowed to comment on much of anything, Tom stated that highly sought after leaker of secret documents on the cover up of the scandalous clown fish spy program, Nemo, was spotted in the area. Witnesses say that as soon as Nemo drifted away from his entourage, the Harriers cut loose, verified their target hit, and returned to the ship. The Department ofFish and Wildlife refused to comment on the matter. The assassination brings to close yet another chapter in Mr. Obama’s book on bringing down threats to the State but, once again, at the cost of exposing an “ally,” this time Australia, harboring a U.S. fugitive. Obviously, in a manner all too reminiscent of Pakistan, the land down under is outraged.

USA Today reports that Australian Sen. Larissa Waters, the influential Greens party’s spokeswoman on the Great Barrier Reef, described the dumping of bombs in such an environmentally sensitive area as “outrageous” and said it should not be allowed.

“Have we gone completely mad?” she told ABC. “Is this how we look after our World Heritage area now? Letting a foreign power drop bombs on it?”

More as this story develops. Stay strong readers, the threat to national security Nemo no longer swims with the fishes.

Ask Dr. Steve –Advice 7/20/2013

Dear Dr. Steve,

How can I tell my parents that I want to drop my biology major and go for a liberal arts degree? All I want to do is blog about the incredible ideas my cat has, I have to finish my degree but my parents want me to become a doctor. What can I do?

Signed,

My cat can solve world hunger

Dear hunger,

A liberal arts degree can’t even get you a job at Starbucks now. Unless you have huge earlobes and a beard. The beard must have enough food in it to keep you from needing to stop working for lunch. Send the cat to me and I’ll blog about him for a modest fee until you finish your degree. Or, switch to journalism, that way you can always fall back on writing for some loser newspaper until your blog makes huge money like this one.

Dear Dr. Steve,

How do you possibly work a day job, blow my inbox with all these posts, and raise a family at the same time? Are you even human?

Signed,

Amazed at all that you do

Dear Amazed,

It’s simple, I rarely sleep and ignore my family. They think I’m getting paid for this. Don’t blow my cover.

Dear Dr. Steve,

My cat destroyed my tinfoil hat and now if I take my medication it will make me twitch. The hat is the only thing that can stop them. I paid good money for that hat and it takes six weeks to have a new one made and delivered. I’ll have to go off my medication until it arrives, last time I ended up getting arrested for indecent exposure and trying to have sex with a parked police car. I can’t stand the twitches, what shall I do?

Sincerely,

I hate that cat

Dear I,

Mom will you stop trying to contact me through here? I said I’d be over for dinner tonight and I’ll make you a new hat. Please stay in the bathroom until I get there.

Have a problem you can’t solve and don’t want to ask anyone you know? Just ask Dr. Steve, all letters will be published anonymously and your secret will be safe with me. Just fill out the information below to finally get the help you’ve always needed but were to humiliated to ask someone near you.

Rhythmic gymnastics rocked by scandal- is nothing sacred anymore?

The sports world is enraged today as news broke of a judging scandal involving 60 individuals within the sport of rhythmic gymnastics. The integrity of all things ribbon has been called into question as individuals in testing rooms across Europe sought to qualify for events they sucked too bad to get into- by cheating on the test. Yes, that’s right. People will stop at nothing to work their way into this prestigious sport. Lying, cheating judges, unqualified to truly score a masterfully executed triple cartwheel, barrel roll into a sitting position- all while maintaining a maximum amount of concentric circles on that ribbon on a stick thingy (Sorry for the technical terminology). These individuals are the judges folks- or would have been. The International Gymnastics Federation, known as F.I.G. (ok they’re gymnasts not accountants, let’s not expect things to be in order) spent MONTHS investigating this case, ferreting out these weasels who would cause havoc amongst our floor exercises. This reporter knows he won’t be able to stomach the 2016 Olympics now. There will always be that lingering doubt… What if one got through? What if Tajurkslambad gets a medal at the cost of the United States because of a cheating judge? What if RG loses its favored status to an upstart, like synchronized swimming? How deep does this corruption go? We can never be sure. And so, there is only one option left to truly honest rhythmists, we need to start all over. That’s right flabbergasted reader(s), we need a whole new judging body. And that’s where your reporter is already working for you.

After much discussion with F.I.G., an agreement was reached that your tireless newshound would retrain judges and supply them (for a modest fee) to all major events up to and including the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Olympic Games (cue subtle theme music). The new judging body: Judges Expressing Reliable Knowledge Soundlessly (because all judges should be seen not heard) or J.E.R.K.S., will be the finest gymnastic critiquers of their kind. They WILL know the difference between a planned flip and an “incidental stubbed toe then trip and fly through the air while recovering nicely and making look intentional™.” (My wife invented that last one). Now folks the plan here is help a wayward sport regain its integrity. My judges will be honored as the finest judges in the world and it will be common to hear such phrases as “Nice call J.E.R.K.S.” or “Nailed that one J.E.R.K.S.” Such regularity and confidence in judging will once again have rhythmic gymnastics back amongst the leaders in trustworthiness like baseball and cycling. Stay strong reader(s) and keep your eye out for J.E.R.K.S. on a floor exercise near you.

Original article: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/17/sports/olympics/judges-of-a-graceful-sport-caught-in-a-clumsy-cheating-scandal.html?pagewanted=1&_r=2&hp&