George Zimmerman Juror B37 to Write Book

Well we knew it would happen sooner or later, although this is much sooner than even this whirlwind decade could have expected. One of the jurors from the George Zimmerman murder trial has signed a book deal. Timing is everything, it appears, and she must have needed to beat out George (who seems to be no stranger to getting beat) by signing before his handcuffs were even unlocked. In a country where the legal system has gone from 12 angry men to 6 bored women, this shouldn’t surprise anyone who already knew this was legal. This reporter never gets picked for jury duty and it’s a shame since he has an amazing eye for guilt and was even voted “Wapner Fan of the Year” seventeen times in a row. However, has it occurred to anyone that a juror is hardly unbiased if a bombshell decision could yield lucrative future book deals? Yet once again, this reporter is left waving his hands in the air, screaming “Pick me! Pick me!,” yet left standing there, forgotten, alone, just like on playgrounds of his childhood just like those losers he remembers from his youth.

What your reporter is trying to get at is, capitalism is already king of Congress and the White House, Supreme Court, traffic court, and night court, can we really afford for it to influence our jurors too? And how can I get picked before this is declared illegal? Is there some way to up your chances? Like when you buy multiple Powerball tickets?

George Zimmerman has been such a focal point for this country that any book just covering what his ethnicity actually is would be an instant best seller. Even if the juror is incapable of penning a coherent sentence, the book is destined for greatness. What went on in that room? How did all those excruciating hours (16 hours, big deal, I spent that much time eating in the last two days) weigh on the need to reach a verdict? Is it possible that any of these of women watched Paula Deen’s show?

The fact of the matter is, the trial was fairly short when one considers the scope of it. A controversial law, an unarmed teen whose face was frozen in time at 12, a president who couldn’t resist chiming in, all factors that should have played out over the course of a year’s worth of testimony. Yet it’s done, and juror B37 is now going to have to get very creative to fill more than a tourist pamphlet with solely her observations of the trial. I firmly expect the product to rate Fabio posing for the cover and, if B37 can’t carry a run on sentence in a bucket then this reporter is available as a ghost writer, just to keep the public informed of course.

Dave Matthews picked up hitchhiking to his own concert

In what, on the surface, appears to be a “feel good story about a young couple who doesn’t know any better meeting a hero©,” Dave Matthews was picked up by concert goers en route to HIS concert and given a ride to the venue. Matthews was riding his bike to the show when he experienced a flat tire. The fans saw him, stopped, and the rest is viral news story/blip on the radar history. What a wonderful story- not. Folks, this is just another case of a major “celebrity” flaunting their disregard of all things “legal.” Hitchhiking is illegal folks, yet where most of us would have a citation waiting for us at the end of the trip, Mr. Matthews enjoys free publicity. Did he really not pack a spare tube or repair kit? Can he not just whip out his phone and call for his limo like the rest of us? It certainly appears HE doesn’t need to. What a shame. This is what our country has come to, celebrity rule- kind of like martial law only with more rehab.

Further, this story reflects the growing issue of profiling that has swept the country, from faux airline pilot names to the ethnicity of a man accused of the murder of an unarmed teen, this has become a real problem in our society. My wife went out to grab the paper this morning, fresh out of the shower, with a towel on her head- three people dove behind their garbage cans. Now she may not exactly shine before her makeup is on but come on folks, she’s not going to suicide bomb anyone’s mailbox.

Further complicating matters is the subject of profiling. Mr. Matthew’s “rock star look” is pretty clean cut and all-American. He looks more like a late 80s John Cougar-Mellencamp or present day Eddie Vetter than a wild rocker. This makes him much more “pickupable©,” it appears, than, oh say, a real rock star who looks like a rock star like “Weird Al” Yankovich or Morbid Angel. Profiling has led to civil rights movements, legislation, and the re-election of a certain Arizona sheriff. I guess it remains to be seen if this will add to his teenie bopper image or pull him down like a Bieber in a mosh pit (not much of a life span there).

Dave Matthews (via Google Search):

Slipknot (via Google Search):

You tell me who these “rock fans” were going to pick up.

Reader(s), we have to take our country back from the celebs who dictate what laws do or do not apply to them like a Senator with a Twitter account. This is our land and it is our dollars that we waste to go to the events, be they movies or concerts, that make these people celebrities- except for the Kardashians, and Paris Hilton, nobody’s really sure what’s going on there. Stay strong reader(s), and demand that our rock stars look like freaks and follow the law, the way it should be.

Apple investigating death of woman allegedly electrocuted by her iPhone 5

In a shocking story, a Chinese woman, Ma Ailun, 23, has been reportedly electrocuted by answering her charging iPhone 5. Apple is investigation the charge, which appears to have some validity. The tech giant has had a rough time in the Chinese market, battling warranty issues and workers killing themselves. The only way things could get any worse is if AT&T branched out into the country. All those dropped calls and WiFi slowdowns might be enough to start riots in the volatile country. An attempt to reach Apple’s highest ranking official in the country resulted in our carrier pigeon being shot down forcing The Not Really News Blog to resort to less secure means of communication. However, attempts to reach the official by phone fractured due to dropped calls on our end (damn you AT&T). We have sent them a letter via USPS, expect a follow up story in March. Ma was a flight attendant who was engaged to be married next month.

An Apple spokesman was reached in the US. “We are deeply saddened to learn of this tragic incident and offer our condolences to the Ma family,” Apple told Reuters in an email. “We will fully investigate and cooperate with authorities in this matter.”

A carrier pigeon was able to penetrate Apple’s US headquarters to reach a TNRNB source who of course has no authorization to say or do anything fun so will remain anonymous, “Apple is really startled by this development. The workers dying left and right are bad enough, we can’t afford for customers to jump on the bandwagon too. The board of directors are scrambling to find out why the iPhone 5 battery has so many dramatic side effects. We knew about the intense heat and fires, but electrocution might be a deal breaker.”

Another possibility is that the phone was a fake to begin with. Knock-offs are a major industry in China selling both inside and beyond its borders. Our source states, “The chances of this being a knock off are tremendous. The shops are astoundingly good over there. It’s not uncommon for us to submit a few months payroll to some of them before realizing they don’t even work for us.”

In other news, the Android market has risen slightly, reflecting the lightning-fast effects of the media on today’s consumers. This story will be updated as more information comes in. Please check back four or five times an hour just to be safe, we wouldn’t want you to miss anything.

Nordstrom tracked smartphones for shopper habits

In recent shopping news, Nordstrom has admitted to tracking customer’s WiFi signal emanating from their smartphones as they meandered through the store. In a move right out of the Patriot Act, Nordstrom and other stores used the signals to see how customer movements “flowed through the store” in order to “better serve you™.” While no data was taken that could single out any one single shopper, much data in the way different people shop was gathered. The retailer has an interest in whether lighting, layouts, positioning, or any of myriad variables could influence how people spend their time within its walls.

In a rare treat for my faithful reader(s), this reporter was able to gain access to this data through one of his many secret sources (thanks Tom). Now this reporter is no stranger to the land of variables and extrapolation. In college, he did his fair share of extrapolating, and showing it to people. So what I’ve done here is pull out the shoppers who only went into the store for ONE (1) item. Singular. Uno. I them separated them by gender. What is revealed may change the way people view people forever (and then some). It is a stunning difference of how people shop for ONE (1) item. I give you how men shop:

What we see is a quick, efficient, in and out purchase. The entire process only took 35 minutes. The actual purchase part was ten minutes but checking out one’s figure in the bathroom mirror was an additional 25 minutes, give or take the time to actually use the restroom for its intended purpose.

Now we see how women shop for ONE (1) single item:

What we have here is a far different picture (as if the caption didn’t tell you that). Women, on average spend three and a half WEEKS shopping for ONE(1) single item.

In another top secret interview with my source, Tom said that the study showed Nordstrom will have to upgrade in several areas, most of which center around husbands and children of female shoppers (boyfriends are too spineless to say anything so they suffer). Future store renovations will include, a restaurant, sleeping quarters, a small preschool, and a site specific semi-pro football team to quell unrest amongst husbands who figure out that television run on a “loop” display. While none of this may come as a surprise to any man who’s heard the words “let’s run in here for a minute,” it appears to have been news to Big Retail- who’s out of touch with reality anyway. Stay strong reader(s), help is on the way.

Ask Dr. Steve- an advice column, for people who need advice

7/14/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

I am a wannabe satirist. My wife says I’m not funny. What do I do?

Sincerely,

This isn’t really Steve

Dear This,

Wives are the minions of the devil. They wish to lead you into dismal sadness and dead work so that they feel better after you saddled them with children. She has no humor and you should ignore her, quit your job, and write for a living. It’s really easy to do.

Dear Dr. Steve,

My mom said I can’t live in her basement anymore. She wants to be able to have friends over without questions like “Is he wearing a half shirt?” and “What’s that smell?” I don’t have a job, I’m trying to make it big as a satirist.

Thanks,

Steve didn’t write this

Dear Didn’t,

Your mom is jealous of your immense inborn creativity. She threw her life away after the tawdry hook up that resulted in you, and wants to start fresh with no reminders of her past indiscretions. You are too young at 40 to be out on your own. Get your bowl of mac ‘n cheese and go bang those keys. The world needs more humor.

And for the last letter of the day:

Dear Dr. Steve,

How did you become so great?

Signed,

Your number one fan

Dear Your,

I was born this way. After the nudists taught me how to survive in the world of man there was no stopping me. Please see my About page for more information on my unique upbringing. There is no one quite like me. Most people are happy about that.