Today we have a special column just for the devoted reader(s) of The Not Really News Blog, a summarized sneak peak of the book of the century. A book nearly 40 years in the making, my return to the place of my childhood, all chronicled and ready for release some time before I die, I give you “Running Naked With Pheasants.” Continue reading
In a movie release that is sure to finally bridge the gap between man, pheasant, and news reporting once and for all, “Of Birds and Men” will be released on Thanksgiving 2013. The script has been based on the real life story of Steve Kallio was raised by a flock of benevolent ring-necked pheasants in the wild lands of south-west Washington state. It will chronicle his meteoric rise from statue squatter to media mogul. It is inspiring to all who meet him to learn how he overcame such bizarre childhood circumstances to develop an almost cult-like following in which people seem to flock to him from all corners of the world. The movie will be an unauthorized autobiography Continue reading
Friends, Reader(s), Mom (okay, yes I know those are all the same people but I needed the effect) lend me your eyes, for I come to bury Kosar not to praise him. Well that’s about as Shakespearean as I can get with this one, but it no doubt caught at least one of you (out of two?) by surprise. In football commentator news, Bernie Kosar has embarrassed the Cleveland Browns organization by spending an entire football game insulting the St. Louis Rams. First of all, this reporter finds it hard to believe that Mr. Kosar can still live up to his playing days enough to embarrass the entire organization and second of all, is being the Rams embarrassing enough? How can one guy get you down when you have to look in the mirror daily? Continue reading
It has become clear that much of Washington is wrapped up in coal train controversy on one side or the other. It is also clear that both sides have become content with just repeating themselves, interjecting little argument of substance into the mix. In order to stop this “will too, will not horseplay™” once and for all, your untiring reporter undertook a study into a situation so convoluted that even the Army Corps of Engineers crawled away from it. The results are shocking, far-reaching, and leave no room for further argument. Clearly, coal is the biggest threat to humanity since the invention of the media. And so, without further delay, from east to west, here are the results of the most in-depth study on the effects coal trains will have on our beautiful state given over a two day span for extra opportunities for our advertisers- I mean to spare no details.
And now, a 35 minute word from our sponsors. (Oops, wrong format).
Coal trains are a threat to the nearly extinct two-headed three-finned albino trout (also known as the Manhattan trout) that occupy the cooling ponds of Hanford Nuclear Reservation. Numbers of this fish are already dwindling as rising radiation levels are increasing the likelihood of sterilization, coal dust could make the ponds completely uninhabitable. This fish is fighting long odds already folks, it can’t afford us to add insult to injury. When reached for comment, Washington’s only ‘Glow-in-the-Dark-Pumpkin®” farmer, John Radonowski stated, ” This better not mess with my pumpkins.” I believe he’s serious.
Coal dust could land on the crops of the primitive people who occupy those seemingly barren lands between the Tri-Cities and Yakima. At first, it seems strange that we could interrupt major trade route potential for all of those ten people but you have to realize that these people supply nearly all of the legumes, cherries, and apples for the entire planet. This reporter still isn’t sure what a legume actually is but it sounds important. Coal dust landing on the leaves of these crops could disrupt vital resources from absorbing into the plants, such as sunlight and pesticides. Blockage of pesticide function could cause havoc with the ecosystem, giving mutant spiders from Hanford a foothold in places farther west and denying certain cities in Oregon from holding “bee memorials.” Ironically, the trains would follow the Gorge after entering the state in Spokane so at least the farmers in the upper two-thirds of the state will be able to blast away at will. Member of the Yakima Indian Tribe, William Wonkatonka, operates an espresso stand just outside of Bingen (where the hell is Bingen?) and has no concern about coal trains affecting his business. “Coal dust is black, coffee is black, no problem,” he stated, “if it gets too bad I can always move, maybe make candy or toy trucks for a living instead.”
Join us tomorrow as our little coal train that could breaks the Cascade barrier and journeys through the wetlands.