Six-clawed mutant lobster caught in Maine- the real story

Lobstermen in Maine are in awe of the now-viral lobster caught last week off the coast of Massachusetts. The oddity is reported to have one monster claw on one side of its body and a joint that sprouted five small appendages on the other. There is no word on its ability to thumb wrestle. The lobster was spared from the boiling kettle of doom and donated to the Maine State Aquarium where it will go on display with other freaks of nature such a bi-colored lobster and a Democrat that prefers to work. Continue reading

George Zimmerman Juror B37 to Write Book

Well we knew it would happen sooner or later, although this is much sooner than even this whirlwind decade could have expected. One of the jurors from the George Zimmerman murder trial has signed a book deal. Timing is everything, it appears, and she must have needed to beat out George (who seems to be no stranger to getting beat) by signing before his handcuffs were even unlocked. In a country where the legal system has gone from 12 angry men to 6 bored women, this shouldn’t surprise anyone who already knew this was legal. This reporter never gets picked for jury duty and it’s a shame since he has an amazing eye for guilt and was even voted “Wapner Fan of the Year” seventeen times in a row. However, has it occurred to anyone that a juror is hardly unbiased if a bombshell decision could yield lucrative future book deals? Yet once again, this reporter is left waving his hands in the air, screaming “Pick me! Pick me!,” yet left standing there, forgotten, alone, just like on playgrounds of his childhood just like those losers he remembers from his youth.

What your reporter is trying to get at is, capitalism is already king of Congress and the White House, Supreme Court, traffic court, and night court, can we really afford for it to influence our jurors too? And how can I get picked before this is declared illegal? Is there some way to up your chances? Like when you buy multiple Powerball tickets?

George Zimmerman has been such a focal point for this country that any book just covering what his ethnicity actually is would be an instant best seller. Even if the juror is incapable of penning a coherent sentence, the book is destined for greatness. What went on in that room? How did all those excruciating hours (16 hours, big deal, I spent that much time eating in the last two days) weigh on the need to reach a verdict? Is it possible that any of these of women watched Paula Deen’s show?

The fact of the matter is, the trial was fairly short when one considers the scope of it. A controversial law, an unarmed teen whose face was frozen in time at 12, a president who couldn’t resist chiming in, all factors that should have played out over the course of a year’s worth of testimony. Yet it’s done, and juror B37 is now going to have to get very creative to fill more than a tourist pamphlet with solely her observations of the trial. I firmly expect the product to rate Fabio posing for the cover and, if B37 can’t carry a run on sentence in a bucket then this reporter is available as a ghost writer, just to keep the public informed of course.