Six-clawed mutant lobster caught in Maine- the real story

Lobstermen in Maine are in awe of the now-viral lobster caught last week off the coast of Massachusetts. The oddity is reported to have one monster claw on one side of its body and a joint that sprouted five small appendages on the other. There is no word on its ability to thumb wrestle. The lobster was spared from the boiling kettle of doom and donated to the Maine State Aquarium where it will go on display with other freaks of nature such a bi-colored lobster and a Democrat that prefers to work. There is also no word on the lobster’s stance on organized labor. The monstrosity was explained by a senior scientist at the Lobster Conservancy (which appears to be a Maine-based company founded in the name of building a better bisque) as a genetic error. It seems that segmented creatures like this have dedicated genes that control when to grow certain appendages and when not to. A genetic error could cause repeated signaling of “build it boys” causing this lobster to grow a hand. The capture of such creatures is rare due to them being at a disadvantage in their underwater struggles for survival- and volleyball games at company picnics. At least, that is what the government wants you to believe. This reporter tends to not wish to take the word of a White House recipe maker as gospel.

When reached by scuba diving carrier pigeon, Leonardo Lobster was more than willing to shed light on a government cover-up that will most likely shock no one. But we’ll report it anyone since it’s a slow news day (Syria, Syria, Syria- sheesh). Leonardo was adamant in reporting that these “rare” mutant lobsters are, in fact, cast-offs from an anti-aging clinic experiment commissioned by none other than Alex Rodriguez. The government had been funding many of these secret programs in hopes of finding a way to revive Ronal Reagan and the legendary Democrat, Jimmy Carter (who is rumored to be still alive but we wouldn’t call it that) in order to debate whether it’s better to screw up or do nothing at all. Rodriguez just wanted to have his torso attached to the body of horse (a much more reasonable request in my humble opinion). Of course, now Larry is on the run, being tagged as a “leaker lobster” by his crabbier under the sea citizens. It also rumored that Larry owed a large amount of money to some loan sharks who didn’t buy his whale of a tale. Either way, no one can find him to verify this story through deeper examination so the report may be left to flounder.

Stay strong fearless readers, I’m out of puns for now. Although more may be reeled in at any moment.

(oops, original story may be found here: http://www.nbcnews.com/science/six-clawed-mutant-lobster-goes-viral-goes-display-maine-8C11122662)