Breaking News: The real Anthony Weiner scandal erupts: Photoshop

As the New York city Mayoral candidate formerly known as Carlos Danger struggles to maintain any relevance in the polls, another blow has surfaced in the sexting scandal- Anthony Weiner is less like Ron Jeremy and more like a chilly Ron White. That’s right stunned readers, TNRNB has once again gotten the inside scoop, this time on Weiner’s deceitful weinershopping™. The need for such elongation may come from the mounting pressure of massive scrutinizing from, not only New York City, but from the entire country as voters watch to see how political candidates bounce back from sex scandals. While it appears not everyone has the rebound ability of Bill Clinton, even with spousal backing. Weiner warned the nation that more pictures of his namesake would become public as the race heated up, yet polls seemed to ignore those warning, having him in the lead comfortably. However, once the selfless selfies surfaced those same media outlets who seemed to adore Mr. Weiner, now shunned him. And that selfie powered slide to “county commissioner hopeful at best®” is about to drive him right back into hiding. It seems Mr. Weiner would be more aptly named “Mr. Vienna Sausage.” Yes folks those pictures of Mr. Weiner’s python that are running around the web have been doctored, most likely before ever being sent as this reporter doesn’t see any young interns screaming for more pictures of men twice their age over a mere garter snake. 

Yes, readers it appears the whole thing has been a lie. Mr. “Danger” has been photoshopping his sexts from the beginning and now his former partners are mad. This reporter received a very secret message via carrier pigeon showing an image his new campaign manager via an always unnamed janitorial source. From this picture, it appears that Mr. Weiner is embracing his inner Carlos Danger self, and steeping into Sesame Street gang warfare. And now, without further delay, the picture of Mr. Weiner’s new manager:

Picture credits are in the image. Our fearless candidate should have no problem proving he is no trouser snake in the grass with such transparent campaign moves as this. This man knows how to reach out to people, he knows how to connect with them, and he gets to know some of them pretty well. Don’t step down Mr. Weiner, just become more familiar with the blending tools nobody bends walls with their rocket, not even in text messages. Stay strong fearless reader(s), Your fearless reporter and his gang of anonymous janitorial sources are working around the clock to bring you all the latest news, unless it’s lunchtime, and your reporter has to make his own sandwich because Mrs. Your Reporter is out making a real living, then you’re on your own.