The Swiss government has declared that ski lifts qualify as luxury items and therefore are banned by U.N. sanctions. Kim Jong-Un wished to acquire the lifts to add to a posh resort meant for all four of the people in entire poverty stricken country who are allowed to enjoy fancy things like skiing, yachts, cars, education, food, and clean water. The other 23 million can pound rocks, and apparently make soup out of them. The United Nations, in typical “do something that amounts to nothing” fashion passed a sanction in 2006 banning the sale of fancy goods to the standoffish nation. However, it didn’t bother so say what those items might actually be, leaving it up to each nation to make that decision. (Which is why the U.S. sends them nothing as House Republicans declared any form of help entitlements and thereby making them a luxury.)The pint sized dictator of doom swore that he would destroy every nation within striking distance of his massive stockpile of rubber band guns, spit wad shooters, and 67′ Volkswagen Beetles fitted with squirt guns, as of the time this article was sent to print Kim Jong-Un was still trying to reach the faucet to fill his Russian super soaker. However, it is common knowledge that the Russian versions only fire vodka, which has also been banned.
North Korea has become increasingly agitated as its former hunk of land now known as South Korea has become quite prosperous and was granted the opportunity to host the 2018 Winter Games in a town that no one can spell, let alone pronounce. It is rumored that television coverage will employ sound effects to mimic the name of the town during broadcast. KTVU announcers, also known as the Bay Area Asian pilot haters, have not been invited to subsequent press conferences or news coverage of the 2018 Games. It has been leaked to this reporter that the Games are being planned under the watchful eye of former South Korean Olympic sprinter Mi Run Quik Li. We believe it will be a good show.
Until North Korea realizes that the world just likes its southern counterpart better it will continue to face these crippling sanctions. The ruling party’s empty threats are just met with mockery and further repercussions. If Kim can break the decades old grip of the military on the nation’s ruling bodies he may be able to bring peace to the Korean peninsula once and for all. Until then he will have to satisfied with being pulled up the mountain on his sled towed by malnourished children. A TNRNB spy satellite photo of this heinous act (okay it’s a camera taped to a pigeon but we get pretty good quality pictures out of it):
Be strong fearless reader(s), the threat of war is always hanging over us but we can ignore that as easily as we can the rising cost of Spam.