Aaron Hernandez pleads guilty- sentenced immediately

In a shocking plea deal that is certain to finally make the common man feel like justice has been served to a professional athlete, Aaron Hernandez pled guilty to all counts today. The counts covered the murder of Odin Lloyd and the drive double killings currently under investigation. In what has been termed as a “coup d’état that would make Egypt proud,” prosecutors got their man, and for once it didn’t cost gazillions of taxpayer money to do it. Under the deal, Hernandez will have three counts of first degree murder, menacing, coercion, racketeering, domestic terrorism, crimes against humanity, making Belichick sad, and impersonating a tight end. The deal brings closure to many family members and fans who figured he would be traded soon anyway. The charges will all be explained in a news conference after practice gets out but this reporter had to break the story and therefore, sacrificed important details for “the scoopage.©” I feel terrible about this but the United Brotherhood of People Who Write Articles Just for Attention has threatened to revoke my media card if I didn’t lower my standards.