Six-clawed mutant lobster caught in Maine- the real story

Lobstermen in Maine are in awe of the now-viral lobster caught last week off the coast of Massachusetts. The oddity is reported to have one monster claw on one side of its body and a joint that sprouted five small appendages on the other. There is no word on its ability to thumb wrestle. The lobster was spared from the boiling kettle of doom and donated to the Maine State Aquarium where it will go on display with other freaks of nature such a bi-colored lobster and a Democrat that prefers to work.

United States government announces existence of Area 51

In a remarkable move by an administration known for having the transparency equivalent to an Alex Rodriguez press conference, the US government has announced that famed Area 51… exists. A group of declassified documents acknowledge the existence of part of Edwards Air Force base where rumors claim aliens and remnants of a space craft are housed. This reporter astutely noticed the name of the base and its resemblance to NSA leaker Edward Snowden’s, an unlikely coincidence. This acknowledgement that Area 51 is really a place opens many doors for the government to admit other famous rumors exist as well, like the “Constitution” or the fabled “Bill of Rights.” But, most likely, those will remain classified along with “common sense” and “leadership abilities.” This reporter hopes

Celebrity News: Beyonce purportedly gets a haircut- Chris Brown has a seizure

In a pair of shocking Friday celeb developments, Beyonce got a haircut and Chris Brown reportedly had a seizure. At first glance, it would seem strange that these two could be linked but, this reporter has a source within the house (obviously nameless) who was vacuuming the carpet when Brown had his episode. The source states, “he just yelled ‘she looks manlier then me again!!!’ and then had a seizure.” This is a very strong rumor as the “Brown camp” (sounds like a team from those old Army men games) stated that heavy stress was at the root of Brown’s latest issue. It is also believable that she could look manlier, given her appearance during her recent Super Bowl halftime show, and this is where things get crazy. Before this major revelation unfolds, this reporter would like to ask, has anyone ever seen Alex Rodriguez and Beyonce in the same room?

Report: A-Rod to rejoin Yankees on Monday

Team president Randy Levine has confirmed that Alex Rodriguez will rejoin the team Monday night in Texas. A fitting return for a guy under investigation of performance enhancing drugs to begin his season in a match-up of the two teams he did most of his drug taking with. The Yankees are thrilled to get a right handed bat back into the lineup. Levine told Bob Nightengale of USA Today, “We need Alex Rodriguez. We need a right-handed bat. We need a third baseman. He’s the best third baseman we’ve got. And if he’s hot, he can carry us.” And hot he seems to be, going 6-32, which is a whopping .188 average, in 11 minor league rehab games. When this reporter sees those numbers his mind just screams “IS IT OCTOBER ALREADY?” Clearly A-Rod isn’t ready, as he’s only created controversy once in the last 11 games, he’s not even warm yet folks. For a man who was once a shoo-in to break the all-time homerun record, this has been a tough fall to watch. He went from this generation’s “Sultan of Swat” to the “Keith Richards of PEDs” so fast that Yankee lawyers still don’t know how to get out the next $100 million they owe him.

The Players union may be able to keep him on the diamond for the rest of the year, but it won’t matter to his legacy. The right choice would be to “retire” a la Manny Ramirez (who may also be at that game according some reports although on the Texas roster). It will be interesting to see how the remainder of this year goes, will A-Rod be able to regain his old form? Will he be a distraction in the clubhouse? Do he really have a painting of himself as centaur (I still have nightmares after hearing that one)? Many questions have been asked but Rodriguez is the only one with the answers so lets just hope we don’t see too many more of these looks this year:

(Image via Google search)

Stay strong reader(s) baseball resumes tomorrow.

Breaking News: Major League Baseball to suspend ARod, Braun, and up to 20 others

Update 7/16/13:

The players union has publicly stated that suspensions for any players caught up in the Biogenesis mess will not be executed swiftly. There will also be discussion pertaining to whether players will be named publicly as suspended (since no one will notice Braun or Arod missing anyway). If suspensions go to arbitration it will likely be next season before anyone serves time, further clouding any contract negotiations these cheaters have. When asked for comment Lance Armstrong stated, “I think this can drag out until well after these guys retire.” Stay strong readers it’s only just beginning.

ESPN claims sources have revealed that Commissioner Bud Selig will act on testimony coerced from Biogenesis founder Tony Bosch to suspend players linked to a clinic that was being sued by MLB for “not playing nice™.” Said suit was immediately dropped when Bosch agreed to become MLB’s one and only witness. Biogenesis was rumored to have supplied two baseball’s most prolific hitters with performance enhancing drugs. While neither Braun nor Rodriguez have ever been suspended for PED’s before ARod admitted to using steroids prior to MLB’s ban. Braun, on the other hand, won an appeal of a dirty UA using the old “they-cheated-to-catch-me-cheating-so-it-doesn’t-count©” defense when the UA administrator took the urine sample home before turning it in. Let’s hope this isn’t a “we missed you before but we’ll get you now” revenge scheme due to the first successful MLB appeal in history (please see Bush Jr. vs. Hussein II for more information).

This reporter’s super-secret sources have relayed to him that the players are not rolling over easily. In a join counter attack, players have hired Lance Armstrong to defend their honor and help them delay any punishment for at least another decade.

In other news, the NFL still hasn’t noticed the “13^th Man Pharma-Club” in downtown Seattle yet. The phone number is unlisted. Clearly a defensive move….

More details as the story unfolds

In a new article: I have unmasked A-Rod his true identity revealed here in a shocking report:  https://stevekallio73.wordpress.com/2013/08/10/celebrity-news-beyonce-purportedly-gets-a-haircut-chris-brown-has-a-seizure/